My baby turned ONE...

So the blog this week is late (sorry), because we have been very busy celebrating a special little lady’s first birthday, and what a celebration we've had!

We had a lovely party for her on Sunday with most of our family and friends; the garden was just full of happiness and laughter which was perfect, then yesterday on her actual birthday, we had a family day. Steve and I took Poppy over to Birmingham to the Sea Life Centre, and she loved it. Well, apart from the jelly fish. She wasn't a fan of that section! The memory of her face when she was looking at all the fish is something I will treasure forever, and I'm sure Steve will too. The giant turtles were a big hit with her! Spending the day together was a lovely treat for Steve and me too. So often, work or life gets in the way and we can be far too quick to say “oh, we’ll do it another time”… so having the day with the 3 of us, with no interruptions, was incredible.

There were so many points throughout yesterday that I got a bit emotional. How was my baby one year old already? Where did that time go? Seriously.  Everybody tells you how fast the time will go once you have a baby, and it's so true. I kept thinking back to that time one year ago, when she was on her way into the world, and thinking, what an amazing year it’s been. I had no idea what this journey would entail, but if the future is going to be anything like this past year has been, it’s going to be amazing! That’s not to say there haven’t been challenges or rocky points… oh there have been plenty of those, but they've all helped make this year what it’s been, and for that I'm grateful. So I am looking back on absolutely everything with a smile… even the colic, the poonamis (even the really awkward ones at friends houses!), and the (many) nights of less than an hours sleep in total.

I feel quite emotional about the fact that we've said goodbye to another stage in Poppy’s life, but yet happy to have reached another new phase. It’s a very conflicting feeling. She’s not a ‘baby baby’ any longer, which makes me a little sad (although she will always be my baby), but we have reached a new exciting phase where she’s learning more, is discovering new things every day and has a beautiful personality that is developing every day. That makes me unbelievably happy. It’s a bit comparable to when you put a load of baby clothes away to make room for the next age, or put some toys in a box in the loft… only much bigger than that. It’s such an emotionally confusing time, which I'm sure a lot of Mums will say, but it’s quite difficult to explain properly, so I'm sorry if this post makes little to no sense at all! Poor Steve was met with tears from me yesterday when I was overcome with emotion watching Poppy reacting to all the fish. They were happy and sad tears all at once, and I didn't know what to do with them, so I'm fairly certain he didn't… poor guy!

After lunch yesterday we went and did a 'big' thing... we bought Poppy's first pair of shoes! No tears (from either of us) thankfully. She loves them and wouldn't let me take them off yesterday afternoon until bath time, and she seemed to walk a little more confidently in them too! She's definitely a girly girl right now... we only had to mention going shopping for shoes, and she was squealing with excitement in the car!

When we got home, we started opening the mountain of presents she has; we are still working on it, and to be honest, I think it will probably take us all week to get through. Our family and friends are very generous; Poppy is a lucky girl to be loved so very much. This is the first time Poppy has had presents that she has been interested in (and been able to properly) open herself. Her little face was a picture when she was looking at her new toys, and when she opened a few presents she let out such cute noises of excitement! It made me smile so much I almost had face ache. It also brought on a new wave of emotion over how loved she is, and by so many people. We're a very, very lucky family indeed.

Steve and I gave ourselves a cheeky pat on the back yesterday. We had made it through our first year of parenthood with no major issues, and we had also managed to plan a wedding in that time…  yey us! I've said it before, but having Poppy made me love him more than I knew I could. And my love for him has only grown in the past year, and I'm sure it will continue to grow!

All in all, her first birthday couldn't have gone any better, which is a pretty fair reflection of how I feel about how her first year in the world has been. I couldn't be prouder of her, or love her more if I tried to. But then I guess that's what being a mum is all about...

I don't understand why miscarriage is still a taboo subject...

This week I wanted to talk about something which for some reason, is still something people don't talk about very much.

Miscarriage.

Last week was 6 years since my miscarriage. 6 years is a fair amount of time, and in the years that have passed, at lot has happened, and I have grown and learned to understand why that pregnancy ended the way it did. In recent years I haven't been so upset by the anniversary, but have looked back on the memory as a stepping stone to the wonderful, amazing life I have now. This year, however, I looked at it from a whole new perspective, a parents perspective; and this made the anniversary harder than it's been in a long time. Never before on September 10th, had I known what it meant to be a parent, now I do, and my heart felt heavy. I truly longed to know what that baby would have been like, but I felt like I couldn't vocalise that. I didn't want to seem ungrateful for what I have now, because Poppy and Steve are my entire world, and I wouldn't have them if not for the way things turned out, but that was an incredibly hard thing to feel. I suppose it would have been even harder to explain.

All day I wanted to tell someone how I felt, just share my thoughts, maybe have a hug... but I didn't. Instead I found myself wondering why I didn't. Or couldn't. Maybe deep down I didn't want to, but I don't know. The day has passed now and I was fine with a hug from Steve at the end of the day.

It got me thinking though. Why do people find miscarriage to be such a taboo subject??  Miscarriage is, sadly, an all too common event. About one in every four pregnancies ends this way and another one in 100 pregnancies is ectopic, so I don't understand why there's such a stigma around it; I never have understood that. People often say they don't know what to say to someone who has suffered a miscarriage; that it makes them feel awkward or uneasy. Maybe if it was a more open topic, people wouldn't have the worry about saying the right thing. Maybe people wouldn't feel awkward and would see how therapeutic it is for some people to talk about it and share their feelings and experience. Maybe all someone needs is a hug, but how do you explain why you need a hug when your explanation makes someone back away.

If you don't know what to say to someone, just listen. Try not to judge or be cliché with statements like "there's always next time" or "it'll get better in time". They don't always help. Yes it will get better, time is a healer, and I personally learned that everything happens for a reason, but that isn't the case for everyone. If you've experienced loss of any kind, you probably know that hearing "give it time", doesn't help at all. 

If you find yourself on the end of someone's miscarriage story, just try to listen (if you can), be there for them. Have a hug ready, or a cuppa, or some chocolate, or some vodka! But what will really help, is listening. And maybe the more people listen, the less people will be afraid to talk about it.

My image from the calendar... I was Miss November

In the early months (and years) following my miscarriage I took a lot of comfort from The Miscarriage Association (http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/), but in recent years, I haven't needed that level of support any longer, and have backed away from the groups. They did their job, they supported me and I made some life long friends (all of whom have gone on to have their rainbow babies now, yey). To be fair, I am incredibly lucky that my family and friends have always, always been supportive and there for me. I am one of the lucky ones.

A few years ago I got involved with a campaign with the MA where we shot a calendar for Miscarriage Awareness; it got people talking AND raised money towards important research. I will always endeavour to be part of the Break the Silence movement, because I will always have my star in the sky spurring me on. 

Maybe my voice will make a difference, maybe it won't, but I will always keep trying. What if we all tried. Imagine the difference we could make together...

Let's Do This... Come at me, Slimming World...

This is a short and sweet blog this week. It isn't profound or deep, but it's my life and what's happening, and I want to be honest and true with my blogs!

Last week I rejoined Slimming World. I looked in the mirror and wasn't a fan of the roll poking out above my jeans and I walked around all week feeling horribly self conscious and 'wobbly', and I've been feeling that way for a while, so I've decided to do something about it... Or at least try to. 

I did Slimming World once before, and it worked really well for me; I lost a stone and a half last time! Since then I've had two years off shows and dancing, produced a small person, and got married!! It's safe to say (most of) the weight has crept back on. I'm technically thinner than I was pre-Poppy, but I'm heavier than I'd like to be. The scales and I are not friends right now!

I think I've been relatively good since having Poppy, and although I've had a few more takeaways than I used to, I've generally been OK with food and exercise. That said, I have let it slip a bit. I don't want to use the phrase 'let myself go' because I hate that. It's just life isn't it. I've had a baby, and a very switched on one at that! I've not had the time to work out or cook super healthy food like I used to, but now that she's sleeping better, I do have some of that time back and I am determined to succeed and see a slightly thinner Amii in the mirror looking back at me soon. 

I have set myself a target, but I'll probably move it when I get near to it... I just wanted to set a reachable goal instead of setting something unattainable and being upset with myself when I didn't reach it. The reason for that is because this new Slimming World journey is for me, and me alone. I'm not dieting because someone, or society told me to, I'm doing it because I want to get healthier, thinner, fitter, and make better food choices. 

I'll probably sneak my weigh in updates into my posts and will probably share some of my favourite recipes :) (I've already shared my soup one... http://amiileanne.blogspot.co.uk/2015/08/honeymoon-is-over-time-to-diet-super.html)

I'm full of apprehension... I really want to succeed at this, but I am also full of motivation and dedication, which I really think is the key! Who knows where I'll be in a few weeks; I could be jumping for joy because I've lost half a stone, or I could be crying in the corner because I haven't lost anything. I really hope it's not the latter. Whatever the outcome, I'm back on plan and I'm in this 100%... 

Come at me Slimming World. Let's go...