A few weeks without make-up...

It might sound like hell to some people, but it really wasn't.

By most standards, I don’t wear much make-up, and I never really have done. My morning make-up routine sees me reaching for moisturiser, mascara and blusher. It takes me less than 5 minutes, but that's mainly because I have a toddler to entertain! Sometimes I throw on a lipstick or some lip gloss – someone once told me you can take over the world wearing a good lip gloss, which makes me smile a lot.

I don’t wear foundation at all really; and concealer, eyeshadow, eyeliner, and everything else lurking deep within my make-up drawer, are only usually shown the light of day when I'm going somewhere special, or when I'm on stage.

Despite the fact I don’t wear a lot of day make-up, in recent years I found myself wanting to wear it to feel good about myself, which is crazy. Cosmetics should never be a defining factor in how a person feels, yet their prominence makes it seem more and more like they are.

Even though I like to wear make-up, I am still quite comfortable going out without it, and do so very regularly to a variety of reactions. A few weeks ago I caught conjunctivitis off my daughter (nice), so naturally, I backed away from the mascara wand. I haven’t worn make up since, it’s been 3 weeks now, my skin feels amazing, and I feel pretty good about it too.

In those 3 weeks I've not had as many comments as I thought I might to be honest, but I have heard some comments about my skin. They've ranged from lovely, confidence boosting words, to just plain hurtful words.

 “You look really pale, are you ill?”

“You’re skin looks amazing!”

“You look so tired.”

“You’re not wearing make-up? Why?”

“I wish I had the confidence to do that.”

“I wish I had your skin.”

“You look like you've had a bit of a breakout.”

“You look really fresh faced.”

All things that have been said to me in the past 3 weeks. A few of them really bothered me, like why pale is a bad thing, but I got over myself, and after I had a ‘moment’ I was ok. 

I realised how lucky I am that I have been raised and have always been surrounded by people who have exuded the message that beauty is within, and I will be bringing my daughter up the same way. My husband always makes me feel good about myself, whether I have crappy old clothes on, bad hair and am so pale I'm practically transparent; or I am dressed up like I'm off to some glamorous event. For his attitude, and for making me feel comfortable enough to be myself whatever, I will be forever grateful (shhh, don’t tell him I got all mushy!)

That's not to say I don't love make-up; I absolutely I do. I get all excited about new products and brushes just as much as the next person, but I've sort of reached a point now where I almost don't care. By saying that, I mean I don’t care what people think of my skin, their opinion isn't for me to worry about. My skin, and whether I wear make-up or not doesn't affect the kind of person I am, and I will endeavour to keep this sense of positivity and confidence about it.

I will try to hold on to how I feel right now, to never to feel like I ‘have’ to wear make-up. Of course, I will wear it, but because I want to, I enjoy it and I like to wear it; never because I feel like I need to.

 Xx

Babywearing. It Works for Us...

I feel like this post might seem a little ranty in places, and if it does, I apologise, that's not my intention.

Yesterday I read a blog, that 100% slated babywearing, and the parents who choose to do it. So I wanted to write a post about my experience with baby wearing, because I love it (I stress this is only my opinion, and I don't want to offend anyone!)

Before Poppy was born,  Steve and I didn't really know much about baby wearing at all. I had bought a second hand Close Caboo (which turned out to be a god send for a colicy baby, who hated sleeping) but I wasn't set on using it too much. As it happened, when Poppy was a few weeks old, the Caboo was a life saver. I was a new mum, Steve had gone back to work, and for a good few hours a day, Poppy had to be held upright to soothe her, and I'm not very good at doing nothing... so having the Caboo meant I could hold her upright, and I had my hands free to keep busy! I found that I really enjoyed the closeness, and the extra cuddles, so I started looking into carriers a bit more at that point. But there are so many out there that I didn't really have a clue where to start, so I left it for a while.

When Poppy was 5 weeks old, I met Julia, who is now a very close friend, who I love to pieces! She is a proper advocate for baby wearing, and a whiz with a wrap, so she showed me how to wrap, and let me borrow one of her Oschas. I was hooked. A week later I had my first wrap! She introduced me to Coventry Slings, who are great and hold regular meets for people to learn about slings / cariers and hire, so if you're interested, look them up on Facebook, I learned a lot from the meets.

Over the last year and a half I have looked into and tried other wraps and carriers, and luckily, I now have a few to chose from. I am actually really into my ring sling at the moment, because it's really easy to use with a seat popping, wriggly toddler, and Poppy loves it. I bought a ring sling when she was younger, but I didn't get on with it at the time, so I sold it on, but now I wouldn't be without one. I love having Poppy at my level when we are out and about as I can really be involved in her experiencing things, and occasionally, I catch her looking at me in the cutest way just before she snuggles in to me and falls asleep. I love it!

Some people think babywearing is too expensive, and they're right in some ways, as it can be, but it doesn't have to be! I bought my wraps 2nd grade on sale, or second / third hand through trading groups on Facebook, and I won both of my ring slings (one, I won this morning!) So you can get bargains and deals, you just have to look for them, and be willing to wait for them. I found a great deal on a Caboo recently which I bought for a friend and her beautiful new daughter, I was thankful to be able to help someone else learn about babywearing.

It isn't for everyone, and that's fine. It doesn't have to be, I'm not trying to say that it should be, but it is for us. I am so glad we fell into it the way we did! I do still use pushchairs a lot, and have a couple to choose from too. It's just that, for me, wrapping Poppy and having her close is super special, and I love that we do it, and I will continue to do it until she doesn't enjoy it any more. As you can see from her face in the pictures, I don't think that time is coming just yet, thankfully. But it will come. There will come a time when she doesn't want to be up any more and when that happens, I will listen, and sadly, I will stop babywearing.

I want to say something in response to the blog I read yesterday. Because I choose to "wear" my baby, does not put me into a 'catergory' of parent, nothing should categorize parents or parenting full stop, but what I really don't appreciate is peoples assumptions about babywearing and the parents / carers who do it. You wouldn't tell someone their baby looked uncomfortable in a pushchair, so why do people do it when babies are in a wrap? Crazy. There should be no judgements, but for some reason some people think they have a right to judge. I just don't get it...

I have and always will support any parenting method that keeps our precious little ones safe and healthy. I don't care if you breastfeed or bottle feed, co-sleep or put your baby in a cot, solely use slings or only use pushchairs, make your own food or buy baby jars, don't allow screen time or put your baby in front of the TV for a while. As long as you are doing what's right for your baby / toddler / child, and they are healthy and happy, that's all that's important!

My Tips for Moving House with a Toddler...

So we recently found our 'forever home', and in January of this year we moved. If I thought all of my previous house moves were hard work (and I've moved a lot... I used to like the change for some unknown reason), they weren't. They were walks in the park compared to what it's like to move with a toddler!

We loved our first house, and made some very happy memories there, but at the end of last year a house came up in the area that we really wanted to move to, at a price we really couldn't resist. We practically jumped for joy when we were lucky enough to have our offer accepted (sorry to the other 6 people who put offers in... but, really, I'm not sorry at all!) It all went pretty smoothly to be honest, and we completed on 22nd January 2016 :) Saying goodbye to our Lime Tree house was more emotional than I thought it would be, but understandably, I guess. It was our first house together, we hosted our first Christmas and Easter there, we got engaged there, we had Poppy while we lived there, and we got married while we lived there. But it was time to pass the house on to a new couple to make their memories in, and the people who bought our house couldn't be lovelier! I hope their time there is as happy as our was.

Packing up the house didn't start until after Christmas, because I'm Christmas crazy and I didn't want anything getting in the way of the festivities; but that didn't really give me a very big window to pack up everything we own. Never has packing given me as much anxiety as it did this time did. I was a nightmare (sorry, guys and thanks for putting up with me). I had lists everywhere, colour coded labels, and more boxes than I knew what to do with (don't worry, I managed to fill them all!!) But all of that (however anal and annoying it may have been) actually let to a fairly organised move, and to be able to say that when we had Poppy running around, is pretty good!

On move day, Steve worked, while I had Poppy and the movers loaded the house into the van. Some people thought it was unusual that Steve didn't take the day off, but since I don't work on Fridays anyway, it was a waste of a day off for him, since so much of the day is waiting around. So he took the following Monday off instead, so we could get cracking with decorating.

I did learn a few things about moving with a toddler, and since I don't plan to move again (ever) I thought what I've learned may be useful to someone else, or may be not, but I'm going to share my tips anyway!

1. Pack a First Night Box / Last Minute Box
Seriously, this was a godsend. I saw this on a blog I read in December, and immediately knew it would be useful. I packed two different boxes, one with things I knew we would need straight away, such as tools, iPod dock, etc, and a second box with things like toiletries, nappies, wipes, a few of Poppy's favourite toys and a couple of items of clothing for each of us. Had we been moving into the house straight away, the contents of these boxes would have probably been different, but we actually moved in with my parents for 5 weeks, while we renovated the house.

2. Get your toddler involved!
I had mixed feelings about having Poppy help with packing / unpacking boxes; it could have gone either way, but she was actually great. She loved helping me and was (mostly) an angel, although packing her things was harder than packing everything else. She liked to unpack her boxes as I packed them, but thankfully that game only lasted an hour or so.

3. Snacks, snacks, snacks.
This one isn't rocket science...A week before we moved, I stocked up on lots of quick and easy snacks, so I knew I would have lots at hand for move day, with minimal time and effort used on my part. I was pinching every penny possible, so I didn't spend a fortune, but I had lots of fruit, biscuits, juice etc on hand through out the day. I made sure that I had disposable bibs and nothing that needed washing up (except her cup) so it was suuuuuper easy.

4. One of my biggest tips... Use your Family and Friends!
In hindsight, I don't know what we would have done without our family and friends, especially my Mum when it came to Poppy. She was so amazing, and looked after her so much for us. She was able to focus 100% on Poppy, while the rest of us ran around like headless chickens, from during manic packing, to the first evening we were in the house, and throughout the renovations. So much so, that Poppy didn't kick off once during the whole process. My Mum is a complete and utter star and for that I am forever grateful! Don't be afraid to ask a friend or family member to look after your little one for a few hours if you need it, and if any of my friends reading this are moving and they need a babysitter... just call! I am more than happy to help.

5. What about a moving day treat?
Poppy was a little young to understand why she was allowed to watch Sofia the First on the iPad and play with new toys, but it was a treat, and it kept her busy and happy on moving day, and that's a win!

6. Leave your little ones room until last (if you can)
When packing, I left the majority of Poppy's room until the day before we moved, when she was staying overnight at my parent's house, so that she would have as little disruption as possible. Her cot was one of the first things to go up in the new house, and even though it was in a different room, the cot and everything in it was the same, and thankfully her sleep wasn't disrupted at all... which, if you know Poppy, you will know is a miracle!

7. Babywearing...
I love babywearing anyway, but instead of wrapping Poppy, I borrowed a buckled carrier from my cousin for moving day. This way, when I needed her out of the way of the movers, I could pop her up on my back or my front, I had my hands free to help, and she was happy because she could see what was happening. Babywearing isn't for everyone, but it is for us, so it was never a question that I would wear Poppy during the move!

Somethings worth looking at:
If you are interested in babywearing, Coventry Slings are amazing, and they hold regular meets, where you can try different carriers and find what's right for you... check them out: http://coventryslingmeet.co.uk/ or https://www.facebook.com/Covslings

If you're in Coventry and need a decent mover, Fletcher Removals are amazing, and I can't recommend them enough... Contact them here: https://www.facebook.com/FletcherRemovals

Xx

Saying (an emotional) goodbye to Breastfeeding...

Last week, just one day after my baby girl turned one, she decided she was done with breast feeding.

I won't lie, I was more than a little heart broken. A whole year she's needed me for and it was almost like a switch flipped and she realised she didn't need me in that way any more. She has been having most of her milk from a bottle since we went on our honeymoon... which is so crazy since we spent months and months and a lot of money trying out every bottle on the market (well, almost) but she wouldn't take anything at all, then we go away and it's like something clicked. Now she only has to see the bottle and she's flapping with excitement! So, I've been feeding her from the bottle while we have a story after bath time, then I always offer her a feed from me, and she usually latched straight away, although sometimes I think it was more for comfort than actual milk. 

Last Tuesday, however, she finished her bottle and I offered her a feed from me, but she was happy to just fall asleep. I was heart broken, but proud of her all at the same time. We spent so long in the early days fighting with Poppy over sleep, and for her to finish her bottle and just fall asleep and let me put her in her cot was massive, but I was so upset that we were done with breastfeeding.

I'd always wanted to leave it up to her as to when we stopped. When she decided she was done, that would be it. I didn't want to force her to stop breast feeding before she was ready and I didn't want to force her to keep going just because I wasn't ready for it to stop. The choice to breastfeed has always been about her, so the choice to stop (we felt) should be hers too. That approach doesn't work for everyone, and I'm not judging anyone who has done it a different way, or anyone who's bottle fed their baby; I am simply saying what worked for us. You do what you have to to provide for your child.

I will really miss that special time Poppy and I had. It was like we had special cuddles that were scheduled in every day, and no matter what, they always happened. 

In the early days, it was hard. Hard to spend so much time feeding her, hard when she wouldn't latch properly and I thought I was doing it all wrong, and hard to feel the weight of responsibility for providing all of her food. But it was everything. It was one of the most rewarding things I have ever done. I know that despite the struggles we experienced, I had it easy compared to the struggles some people go through. Instead of feeling burdened by it all, I tried to focus on the positive, and I found it so incredibly lovely to have her so close by all the time. Some of my favourite times were those special middle of the night moments, when all was still and quiet, Steve was asleep next to us and I would sit in bed feeding Poppy. Those perfect little moments when everything just clicks and it feels right. That would be my time to reflect and think how lucky we were and how grateful I was for my little family. That breastfeeding bond is something I will forever cherish the memories of. 

We've been really lucky that I was able to breastfeed for so long, and I'm super proud that we made it past her first birthday and did a whole year. As she got older, and started to drop feeds, I started to realise that the end (of breastfeeding) would come at some point soon. For the last week or two at least, I have made an effort to take in every moment of her feeds, just in case it was her last one, and I'm so glad I did. For now at least the memory of her last feed is fresh, but I hope I can retain it for a long time.

I almost feel like she grew up while I wasn't looking, even if it was only by a teeny bit. She doesn't need me in that way any more, and it's the first real time she hasn't needed me. Which, as any Mum will probably agree, is really hard to comprehend. And although she still needs me in so many other ways and probably in ways I'm sure we're yet to discover, I am a little sad that we have passed this stage in her life.

My little baby girl is becoming a little toddler... And though I'm a little sad, I'm so excited to see what life has in store for us...

Thank you, NHS...

This blog comes direct to you guys from UHCW, where my poorly little poppet is laying in a cot next to me. Advance warning... I haven't slept and this post is laced with sarcasm!

I've been very aware lately of all the negativity around the NHS and their (supposed) inability to provide excellent care at the weekend... That is just absurd. After experiencing it first hand this weekend, I want to give the NHS the credit it deserves! 

After a week of a poorly Poppy not getting any better, I called 111 yesterday (Sunday) at around 1:30pm and they booked us an appointment at the walk in centre for 5pm. We were seen at 5pm. On the dot. By a doctor who, in my eyes, is the best doctor we have ever taken Poppy to. Instead of ignoring Poppy and talking directly to Steve and I, he fully acknowledged her and tried incredibly hard to make her smile, laugh and stay calm while he was checking her over, which was absolutely wonderful. Instead of being scared, and despite being very poorly, she just went with the flow. If only all doctors could be like this guy was... But let's not forget... Apparently, care isn't as good at the weekends.

We were sent over to UHCW, where the waiting room in Childrens A&E was jam packed with poorly little ones, yet we didn't once feel forgotten. We were booked in quickly, triaged quickly, given medicine quickly, then seen by a doctor within an hour and a half. Yet again the doctor who looked at Poppy was wonderful. After checking her over and giving us his diagnosis and recommendations (which were only a little different from the first doctors), he actually asked for my opinion on the right way to treat her. In his very words, "Mum is always right, we always listen to Mum's opinion." 

What an incredible attitude. On a Sunday.

Poppy was admitted and given oxygen, antibiotics and calpol, and was tended to overnight by two of the most caring nurses I have ever encountered. And believe me, I have had my fair share of hospital admissions by which to make comparisons!

Even this morning when the nurses are nearing the end of their long night shifts (again, let's stress, on a weekend) they are kind, and helpful, and doing their rounds with smiles on their faces. 

This weekend I have been truly astounded by the care Poppy has received, and very pleasantly surprised by it too. There is so much negativity about the NHS floating around, and especially about the level of care the provide at weekends, so I was a little apprehensive... But to that absurd hearsay, I'm afraid I now have to stick two fingers up. It's a load of crap. 

From the moment I called 111, to right this second, when the nurses have just been to check Poppys oxygen, I can honestly say the care she has received has been wonderful.

Everyone here is working their socks off, nurses, doctors, health care assistants, receptionists... and I really think the negative comments about the NHS are unjust. Yes, this may just be the humble opinion of one person, but it's a positive one, and maybe, just maybe I can combat some negativity with this post. 

I am so very grateful that we have this health care system in place in the UK. And it's free to use. Free. If we feel poorly, or our families are poorly we can go and see a doctor, for nothing. There are people suffering in the world without any access to any sort of health care... I feel foolish for ever having moaned about the NHS, because come on, we all have at some point.

Thank you, NHS. For all that you do.

The Dreaded 'Mummy Guilt'...

So it’s been a while since I was able to blog because, you know, ‘life’ got in the way, but I’m going to try and be better at doing it more regularly again, and with Christmas not far away, I’m sure I’ll have plenty to write (ramble on) about!

Something that’s been on my mind, and I’ve wanted to write about for a while is ‘mummy guilt’, which is honestly a real thing. Ask almost any Mum, anywhere.

‘Mummy guilt’ as a term, is something I probably would have rolled my eyes at before I had  Poppy… now however, it is something that is constant in my life. Seriously, every day. There is always the feeling of not doing enough, or that I should have done something different, or something better.

Like when the house needs cleaning, but I played with Poppy instead…

Or when I cleaned the house and didn’t play with Poppy for long enough…

Or if I only read her one book, should I have read her two??

Did she spend too long watching the Disney channel because I needed to get some jobs done?

Was that sneeze because I didn’t wrap her up enough?? (I mean, come on… a sneeze is just a sneeze)

When I went back to work in June, the Mummy guilt reached brand new levels. I wished so dearly that I could afford to stay home with my girl just a little bit longer, but that wasn’t the case. I needed adult interaction, she needed to be around children and we needed the money. Our little Popstar was already growing so quickly and now I was going to miss so much by being at work. My mind went crazy with guilt and my heart felt heavy… Would she dislike me for sending her to someone else’s house while I worked? Would she resent me for making that choice? As it turns out, she LOVES her child-minder and practically squeals with excitement when she opens the door to us every morning. I know I’m lucky with that, but I’m also very thankful of our child-minder. We found a great one, who Poppy loves, and she’s developing so well, which eases the guilt on that topic somewhat, although not completely.

I’ve kind of accepted that the guilt will always be there, but what I’ve spent a lot of time trying to work out is, why? Why was it, that since this little person came into our lives, I can’t trust in what I’m doing enough to know that it is in fact, enough? Would it ever be enough? Then I read a wonderful blog (I’m sorry, I can’t remember the name of it to link it), in which the writer mentioned the Mummy guilt, and for her, she had decided to embrace it. What she wrote sounded so right to me, that I too decided to embrace it.

For me (and I stress this is only my opinion), if I’m not feeling the Mummy guilt, then I’ve stopped caring as much as I should. What a brilliant way to turn a negative feeling into something I can process and use! Not everyone may be able to do this, and that’s fine, but for me, I think I can, and I will definitely try to. If my girl is loved, and fed and (mostly) happy, then I am doing the best that I can.

So now, when I the guilt hits, I will be trying to embrace it instead of feeling beaten by it.

Come at me, Mummy Guilt. Bring it on.

Xx

My baby turned ONE...

So the blog this week is late (sorry), because we have been very busy celebrating a special little lady’s first birthday, and what a celebration we've had!

We had a lovely party for her on Sunday with most of our family and friends; the garden was just full of happiness and laughter which was perfect, then yesterday on her actual birthday, we had a family day. Steve and I took Poppy over to Birmingham to the Sea Life Centre, and she loved it. Well, apart from the jelly fish. She wasn't a fan of that section! The memory of her face when she was looking at all the fish is something I will treasure forever, and I'm sure Steve will too. The giant turtles were a big hit with her! Spending the day together was a lovely treat for Steve and me too. So often, work or life gets in the way and we can be far too quick to say “oh, we’ll do it another time”… so having the day with the 3 of us, with no interruptions, was incredible.

There were so many points throughout yesterday that I got a bit emotional. How was my baby one year old already? Where did that time go? Seriously.  Everybody tells you how fast the time will go once you have a baby, and it's so true. I kept thinking back to that time one year ago, when she was on her way into the world, and thinking, what an amazing year it’s been. I had no idea what this journey would entail, but if the future is going to be anything like this past year has been, it’s going to be amazing! That’s not to say there haven’t been challenges or rocky points… oh there have been plenty of those, but they've all helped make this year what it’s been, and for that I'm grateful. So I am looking back on absolutely everything with a smile… even the colic, the poonamis (even the really awkward ones at friends houses!), and the (many) nights of less than an hours sleep in total.

I feel quite emotional about the fact that we've said goodbye to another stage in Poppy’s life, but yet happy to have reached another new phase. It’s a very conflicting feeling. She’s not a ‘baby baby’ any longer, which makes me a little sad (although she will always be my baby), but we have reached a new exciting phase where she’s learning more, is discovering new things every day and has a beautiful personality that is developing every day. That makes me unbelievably happy. It’s a bit comparable to when you put a load of baby clothes away to make room for the next age, or put some toys in a box in the loft… only much bigger than that. It’s such an emotionally confusing time, which I'm sure a lot of Mums will say, but it’s quite difficult to explain properly, so I'm sorry if this post makes little to no sense at all! Poor Steve was met with tears from me yesterday when I was overcome with emotion watching Poppy reacting to all the fish. They were happy and sad tears all at once, and I didn't know what to do with them, so I'm fairly certain he didn't… poor guy!

After lunch yesterday we went and did a 'big' thing... we bought Poppy's first pair of shoes! No tears (from either of us) thankfully. She loves them and wouldn't let me take them off yesterday afternoon until bath time, and she seemed to walk a little more confidently in them too! She's definitely a girly girl right now... we only had to mention going shopping for shoes, and she was squealing with excitement in the car!

When we got home, we started opening the mountain of presents she has; we are still working on it, and to be honest, I think it will probably take us all week to get through. Our family and friends are very generous; Poppy is a lucky girl to be loved so very much. This is the first time Poppy has had presents that she has been interested in (and been able to properly) open herself. Her little face was a picture when she was looking at her new toys, and when she opened a few presents she let out such cute noises of excitement! It made me smile so much I almost had face ache. It also brought on a new wave of emotion over how loved she is, and by so many people. We're a very, very lucky family indeed.

Steve and I gave ourselves a cheeky pat on the back yesterday. We had made it through our first year of parenthood with no major issues, and we had also managed to plan a wedding in that time…  yey us! I've said it before, but having Poppy made me love him more than I knew I could. And my love for him has only grown in the past year, and I'm sure it will continue to grow!

All in all, her first birthday couldn't have gone any better, which is a pretty fair reflection of how I feel about how her first year in the world has been. I couldn't be prouder of her, or love her more if I tried to. But then I guess that's what being a mum is all about...

I don't understand why miscarriage is still a taboo subject...

This week I wanted to talk about something which for some reason, is still something people don't talk about very much.

Miscarriage.

Last week was 6 years since my miscarriage. 6 years is a fair amount of time, and in the years that have passed, at lot has happened, and I have grown and learned to understand why that pregnancy ended the way it did. In recent years I haven't been so upset by the anniversary, but have looked back on the memory as a stepping stone to the wonderful, amazing life I have now. This year, however, I looked at it from a whole new perspective, a parents perspective; and this made the anniversary harder than it's been in a long time. Never before on September 10th, had I known what it meant to be a parent, now I do, and my heart felt heavy. I truly longed to know what that baby would have been like, but I felt like I couldn't vocalise that. I didn't want to seem ungrateful for what I have now, because Poppy and Steve are my entire world, and I wouldn't have them if not for the way things turned out, but that was an incredibly hard thing to feel. I suppose it would have been even harder to explain.

All day I wanted to tell someone how I felt, just share my thoughts, maybe have a hug... but I didn't. Instead I found myself wondering why I didn't. Or couldn't. Maybe deep down I didn't want to, but I don't know. The day has passed now and I was fine with a hug from Steve at the end of the day.

It got me thinking though. Why do people find miscarriage to be such a taboo subject??  Miscarriage is, sadly, an all too common event. About one in every four pregnancies ends this way and another one in 100 pregnancies is ectopic, so I don't understand why there's such a stigma around it; I never have understood that. People often say they don't know what to say to someone who has suffered a miscarriage; that it makes them feel awkward or uneasy. Maybe if it was a more open topic, people wouldn't have the worry about saying the right thing. Maybe people wouldn't feel awkward and would see how therapeutic it is for some people to talk about it and share their feelings and experience. Maybe all someone needs is a hug, but how do you explain why you need a hug when your explanation makes someone back away.

If you don't know what to say to someone, just listen. Try not to judge or be cliché with statements like "there's always next time" or "it'll get better in time". They don't always help. Yes it will get better, time is a healer, and I personally learned that everything happens for a reason, but that isn't the case for everyone. If you've experienced loss of any kind, you probably know that hearing "give it time", doesn't help at all. 

If you find yourself on the end of someone's miscarriage story, just try to listen (if you can), be there for them. Have a hug ready, or a cuppa, or some chocolate, or some vodka! But what will really help, is listening. And maybe the more people listen, the less people will be afraid to talk about it.

My image from the calendar... I was Miss November

In the early months (and years) following my miscarriage I took a lot of comfort from The Miscarriage Association (http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/), but in recent years, I haven't needed that level of support any longer, and have backed away from the groups. They did their job, they supported me and I made some life long friends (all of whom have gone on to have their rainbow babies now, yey). To be fair, I am incredibly lucky that my family and friends have always, always been supportive and there for me. I am one of the lucky ones.

A few years ago I got involved with a campaign with the MA where we shot a calendar for Miscarriage Awareness; it got people talking AND raised money towards important research. I will always endeavour to be part of the Break the Silence movement, because I will always have my star in the sky spurring me on. 

Maybe my voice will make a difference, maybe it won't, but I will always keep trying. What if we all tried. Imagine the difference we could make together...

Let's Do This... Come at me, Slimming World...

This is a short and sweet blog this week. It isn't profound or deep, but it's my life and what's happening, and I want to be honest and true with my blogs!

Last week I rejoined Slimming World. I looked in the mirror and wasn't a fan of the roll poking out above my jeans and I walked around all week feeling horribly self conscious and 'wobbly', and I've been feeling that way for a while, so I've decided to do something about it... Or at least try to. 

I did Slimming World once before, and it worked really well for me; I lost a stone and a half last time! Since then I've had two years off shows and dancing, produced a small person, and got married!! It's safe to say (most of) the weight has crept back on. I'm technically thinner than I was pre-Poppy, but I'm heavier than I'd like to be. The scales and I are not friends right now!

I think I've been relatively good since having Poppy, and although I've had a few more takeaways than I used to, I've generally been OK with food and exercise. That said, I have let it slip a bit. I don't want to use the phrase 'let myself go' because I hate that. It's just life isn't it. I've had a baby, and a very switched on one at that! I've not had the time to work out or cook super healthy food like I used to, but now that she's sleeping better, I do have some of that time back and I am determined to succeed and see a slightly thinner Amii in the mirror looking back at me soon. 

I have set myself a target, but I'll probably move it when I get near to it... I just wanted to set a reachable goal instead of setting something unattainable and being upset with myself when I didn't reach it. The reason for that is because this new Slimming World journey is for me, and me alone. I'm not dieting because someone, or society told me to, I'm doing it because I want to get healthier, thinner, fitter, and make better food choices. 

I'll probably sneak my weigh in updates into my posts and will probably share some of my favourite recipes :) (I've already shared my soup one... http://amiileanne.blogspot.co.uk/2015/08/honeymoon-is-over-time-to-diet-super.html)

I'm full of apprehension... I really want to succeed at this, but I am also full of motivation and dedication, which I really think is the key! Who knows where I'll be in a few weeks; I could be jumping for joy because I've lost half a stone, or I could be crying in the corner because I haven't lost anything. I really hope it's not the latter. Whatever the outcome, I'm back on plan and I'm in this 100%... 

Come at me Slimming World. Let's go...

Parenting is hard... Sometimes a break is just what you need...

¡Hola! So the reason I've been utterly rubbish at blogging lately is because we had our honeymoon :) :) We were lucky enough that the overwhelming generosity of our family and friends enabled us to have a week in the completely beautiful Riu Palace Pacifico Hotel in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. It was an incredible week, and was the perfect way to celebrate and reflect on our wedding (even though it was a little while afterwards). We did so much while we were there and really made the most of some 'us' time together, and I feel like we both feel better for it. In fact I feel like we all feel a bit better for having some time away... Poppy included. I've had this discussion a few times since being home, and I've been met by different reactions, but to be honest (and to reiterate what I've said before) what is right for us (parenting wise) may not be right for someone else, so please, let's not be judgemental.

Before we went away, I really wanted to blog about being away from Poppy for a week (well, 9 nights in total... not that I was counting or anything), but I didn't truly know how I would feel, and speculation doesn't make for great writing, so I held off until now, so I can talk from experience.

It took a lot of convincing for me to agree to leave Poppy at home while we went to Mexico. A week seemed like such a long time and we would be so far away! The Mummy guilt was almost too much, but eventually, I agreed, and I'm so glad I did, which is apparently, judging by reactions when I've said this, a controversial thing to say?! I'm not sure why though. I love my baby, but I love my husband too, without him there would be no her, so I think it's OK to enjoy time without her. It don't think it makes me a bad Mum, I actually think it made me a better Mum, and a better wife.

I thought I would be a total wreck when it came to dropping Poppy off on the Friday lunchtime before we left, but actually, I was surprisingly OK. I had to tell Steve not to talk to me for a minute or two when we left in case I cried, but by the time we hit the A46 out of Coventry, I was OK. She was OK. She had her own little cot and tonnes of toys at Mum and Dads, and she absolutely adores them, so I knew she would be fine. When I've told people that I wasn't a complete wreck, without tears streaming from my eyes as I left her, some have been shocked that I wasn't more emotional... but I don't get why. I was still going to leave her... what would dramatics have done except make everything harder for all of us??

On the Saturday morning we got up nice and early and off we went to Gatwick. Again, I was surprisingly OK, but we had spoken to Mum in the morning and then in the airport lounge we took advantage of the free wifi and face timed our beautiful girl. She was smiling and happy so I was immediately put at ease, not that I had expected her to be any other way to be honest. The flight was fine, and so was the first night in Mexico however, I was starting to feel a little guilty that I didn't feel like my heart was breaking being away from her (or something equally as dramatic), but I was ok.

Every morning when we woke up, we face timed (how amazing is technology), and each time, Poppy would beam from ear to ear when she saw us. It was the highlight of my mornings, and Steve will back me up when I say that I practically leapt out of bed each day to get my phone and make the call. When I saw how happy she was, I knew she was fine, and that made it easy for me to relax and enjoy every second of the honeymoon (have I mentioned it was amazing?!) That's not to say I didn't talk about her at every chance I got, to anyone who asked (and to a fair few who didn't). I'm sure I bored our new friends to tears, but they were so lovely and listened to me bragging about my perfect little ray of sunshine, and how good she was being for her Nanny and Grandad.

I was able to start my days knowing that all was OK back home, and that meant I was able to be completely 'there' with Steve, without having my mind racing back to Coventry all the time to wonder how Poppy was, which was kind of the whole point. I know just how lucky I am to have people that love Poppy so much and will take care of her for us without a moments hesitation, and I don't take that for granted at all.

Many parents will tell you they 'need a break', and I mean a real break. A few days child free, rather than just a couple of hours at home without them, when actually you end up busier because you feel like you need to make the most of that time. So 3 loads of washing, and a sparkling house later you've achieved loads, but actually sometimes you feel no better than when your little munchkin(s) left you. So few of my Mummy friends feel like they can take a proper break because the guilt sets in. I had told myself there would be almost no guilt on our honeymoon (easier said than done), and I was to make the most of this time with my new husband. Actually, that was exactly what I needed to do. I needed a break from a very beautiful, switched on, non-sleeping little lady, which in the run up to the honeymoon I felt very guilty about.

I was a little ashamed to admit it during the holiday, but having a break from motherhood was doing me the world of good. Of course I missed her with every fibre of my being, but I realised it was doing us all the world of good, when a few days into the holiday I had had a full nights sleep and so had Poppy!! She had slept through the night for the first time, in her cot, with no fuss... and she continued to do so for the rest of the break! What a star! Before we had gone away, I would spend all evening running up and down the stairs to settle her, and she slept in a cot with one side down, against our bed, which often meant that she managed to crawl in with us. 

It was at this point of the holiday that I let go of the guilt that had crept in. Time away and in a slightly different routine, turned out to be just what she needed too. What a big (almost) year it's been for her, she just needed a break. I wasn't being a bad Mum by leaving her. Phew. Aaaaaand relax!! For Steve and I, having some 'us' time proved invaluable. We've not had that in almost a year (which I'm not complaining about, I wouldn't have it any other way), but because of that, I think we savoured every single moment together, which made our honeymoon soooooo special. We had time to have real conversations, that didn't revolve around baby food, nap times or delightful nappy contents. We got dressed up for dinner and drinks every night (not a bit of baby sick in sight) and we had time to make some new friends, who actually live near us so we hope to stay in touch. We had time to mess about in the pool, drink cocktails, read books and walk along the beach. We had time to be a young(ish) couple again and it was perfect. 

When I got home, I was a little overwhelmed by the emotion of missing my girl, and when I saw her I held her so tightly. I think time away made me appreciate her a little bit more. It seems to be taboo to admit that you need a break from being a parent, or sometimes just being an adult in general, but it shouldn't be. If you need a break, take one. It might be 5 minutes, 5 hours or 5 days, but it may just be long enough to give you what you need, so you shouldn't be afraid to take it! Forget other people's opinions, I did. A few people told me that leaving Poppy was a mistake and they were so wrong, it was so far from a mistake that that's laughable. She was fine for the whole week away, in fact it was like a little holiday of her own, which she clearly loved. The pictures my parents took throughout the week say it all!

I think what I am trying to say is that a bit of time away from Poppy and my 'Mummy life' was great. That's not to say I don't love my life because I do, and anyone who knows me will second that. I think when you become a Mum, it's easy to forget that you had a life pre-baby, and maybe a little trip back to that life every now and again might be really beneficial, and it might be just the break we all need!

Xx

Honeymoon is over... Time to diet!! Super Free Superspeed Soup...

We're home from Mexicooooooo!! We had the most amazing time on our honeymoon, and I have a blog coming about it, but yesterday a good friend asked me to share the recipe I use for my Slimming World Super Free Superspeed Soup, so I thought I would share the recipe here in case anyone else is interested (I know it's a bit different from my usual blog content). I used to cook this all the time when I followed Slimming World, and it really worked for me when I needed a boost with my weight loss. 

I really want to go back to Slimming World, but at the moment I just don't have the time, so I am going to follow the plan (as much as I remember) and hopefully I will be able to shift the few pounds I put on in Mexico! (Thanks, all inclusive cocktail menu!!) 

This is a suuuuuuuuper easy recipe and it's absolutely delicious!

Cooking away...

Ready to Eat... Yum!

My lovely colourful ingredients for the Super Free Speed Soup...

If I can do it... Anyone can do it!!

With the quantites below I managed to make about 8 - 9 portions, and it's freezable, which is great! When I first made this, I only had small sauce pans and woks (which are the pics above!) now I have a massive one I use for soup, so bit of advice, use a big pan!

Super Free Speed Soup

This soup is syn free on Slimming World Extra Easy Plan (or it used to be, either way, it's pretty healthy!) It's also superspeed, which means it should help to give you a boost.

How many does it serve? Makes 8 - 9 portions (or more if you are a small eater and less if you're a big eater.)

How long does it take? 30 - 45 minutes cooking time, plus prep

Is it syn free? It definitely is!

What do I need?
- 1 can mixed bean salad
- 1 can green lentils
- 2 cans chopped tomatoes
- 1 can baked beans
- 1 handful of split lentils
- 2 large leeks
- 1 large onion or 2 small - medium onions
- 4 medium carrots
- 2 parsnips
- 1 green 1 red and 1 yellow pepper
- 2 vegetable stock cubes
- salt and pepper
- mixed herbs

What do I do?
Chop and put all vegetables in a pan with the rest of the ingredients, cover and bring to boil then simmer until soft. When soft, either blend for a smooth thick soup or you can leave it chunky if that's how you'd prefer it!

Serve & enjoy the syn free goodness :)

Xx

Not every labour story is a horror story...

I've been thinking about sharing my labour story for a few months now, and I've decided I will. I have come across so many labour stories on blogs and vlogs, which I love reading and listening to; but the ones I've seen all seem to be negative, and it’s not always like that. I had a really positive experience of labour, so I wanted to put it out there. Maybe it will give people hope that not every labour story is a horror story! 

When I was pregnant, almost everyone who decided I needed to know about their labour (in detail, whether I wanted to or not) seemed to have a horror story to tell. So naturally, I was terrified. All I’d heard about was how awful labour was and about forceps, ventouse, tears and cesareans. One Born Every Minute wasn't helpful either, as their stories, albeit beautiful stories of birth, all seem to have problematic elements. The ‘easy’ labours (well, no birth is ever easy; it’s called labour for a reason) seem to feature very rarely.

My experience was the opposite of what I’d heard about, so I wanted to share it. I know I'm lucky that I had a good experience, and I am grateful for that. For the women that have had rough times, I really respect you! It's not easy anyway, let alone when things don't go smoothly.

I hope that I am able to give someone else hope that not all labours are bad!

(It’s going to be a long one, so I plan to do a video of my story too, but not for a couple of weeks, because I'm off on my honeymoooooooon!)

So here’s my story…

I went into labour on my due date, Saturday 20^th September 2014. Textbook. My contractions started at about 8:30am, but I ignored them for a few hours as I didn't know if it was labour or Braxton Hicks and I didn't want to make a fuss. It seemed too perfect, to be one of the 5% of women to go in to labour on their due date, but I did and it was happening! Excited!! About 1pm, I thought I’d better tell Steve, and he was so cute… he was excited and nervous, and looked after me really well! I spoke to the hospital a few hours later, and they were great, they said to go in to be checked over when I felt I needed to (which I eventually did at 2am!)

Steve and I spent the afternoon pottering about, then we had dinner and watched a film (The Shawshank Redemption was on TV,  great film!) I really struggled to be still, so I had to keep moving. I  couldn't lie down or sit still, I spent almost 24 hours either bouncing on a ball, walking around, or taking quick baths. But that was exactly what I had hoped for, an active labour. I hated the thought of being in a bed on my back, or having an epidural. Not that there is anything wrong with those choices or scenarios, it’s just not what I wanted.

That said, I didn't have a birth plan as such, we had a list of birth preferences. All of which were exactly that. There were things we would have preferred to do, but we completely understood if things needed to change to ensure the safe delivery of our baby. I didn't want a plan, because then I couldn't be upset if things had to stray from it. My piece of paper with the preferences on made the midwives chuckle, as I had written an apology for any shouting or swearing at them that may occur. As it happens, I was pretty calm the whole way through.

In the very early hours of Sunday, we went to the hospital, (thank you Mum and Dad for getting out of bed to take us) where I was checked over. They said I could stay or go home for a while, so back home we went, for more bouncing on balls and wandering around, until I cried at my Mum a bit later, and we decided it was time to go back to the hospital at about 9am, and I was admitted. 

This was it. We were in hospital, and when we left, we would be parents! From here on is what I count as my 'real' labour, the 24 hours before hand was very early labour, so I don't usually count it.

I was lucky enough to be able to go to the Lucina Birth Centre at University Hospital Coventry, and it was amazing! We were the only ones there that day, and we had a huge room, with a twinkly ceiling, a pull down bed, and most importantly for me, a birth pool (although the twinkly ceiling was pretty amazing!) Steve and I were actually having a lovely time, we had music playing (mostly musical theatre, sorry Steve), I was singing along to my playlist at the top of my lungs (which the midwives enjoyed, so I'm told), we were snap-chatting our friends, we were loving life… And that’s pretty much how the whole labour went. I actually loved my labour, and had a great time. I'm not sure you’re meant to say that, but it’s the truth! 

I want to mention my midwife. Her name was Siobhan Berry and she was incredible. Everyone we dealt with was brilliant, but Siobhan was just a star. She listened to me so much, and really looked after Steve and I. I really like to know what’s happening in situations, and she kept me really well informed, without the feeling of intrusion. We were mostly left to our own devices until about 2pm, which was lovely, but at the same time I felt so well cared for, which is a really difficult balance to successfully achieve. I will be forever grateful to Siobhan for the care she gave us, and for safely delivering our beautiful Poppy to us.

I spent the next few hours in the birth pool, which was great for me and I loved it. I would massively recommend trying it if you’re able to. It’s not for everyone, but for me it both relaxed me and helped my labour to progress. A few hours in, I tried (and hated) gas and air. It made me feel suuuuuuper dizzy and all out of control, which I really didn't like, but it provided a welcome distraction. After a while I realised I was pushing, which was strange as I couldn't remember starting to push, or being told to, but all of a sudden, two midwives and a student (who was also fantastic, and will make a great midwife when she finishes her training) were in the room with us, and nobody was telling me to stop. After an hour or so pushing, at 3:12pm on Sunday 21^st September 2014 our beautiful baby girl was born, all 8lbs 14oz of her (yes, it hurt, and no I didn't tear because I went with what felt natural and didn't force anything). What was super special was that I was the first person to ever touch her as she was born in the water, and I got to lift her up into my arms for our first cuddle. I cried, of course! Steve wasn't able to cut the cord, as she was born with the cord around her neck, which is fairly common, but she was fine. So they untangled her, and took her to check over. She was so calm. Beautiful and calm. I didn't know she was a girl at this point, so Steve had a little look, told me, and I cried again! She was passed back to me and we sat in the water enjoying our first few moments together. 

After a cuddle with our little flower, she was passed over to Steve, and my heart nearly exploded. I got to look at him clearly for the first time in hours, and my love for him sky rocketed. Before having Poppy, I didn't think it was possible to love him any more than I already did, but he was incredible during labour, and that support is something I will never forget. Nothing was too much for him, he was even holding the gas and air for me at one point. Then when the midwife put Poppy in his arms it was emotion overload, and the tears came again. My world, right there. Watching him hold her and look at her with so much love is a memory I will truly treasure forever. We had had a baby, and there she was, all snuggled up with her Daddy. It was just perfect.

Delivering the placenta wasn't much fun, because after a calm half an hour, the dreaded contractions were back and I was back to pushing. But it happened naturally, without the need for an injection and was over and done with before I knew it. Then I had Poppy back in my arms for a whole two hours while we waited to see if she would latch and feed on her own. Turns out she wouldn't so I had to hand express and feed her with a teeny tiny syringe. This is another moment where the midwives were amazing. I was shattered by this point, and they were great, helping and showing me how to hand express effectively. Poppy latched when she was about 3 and a half hours old, and by 4am the next morning, she had done it a few times and I was pretty confident we had jumped the first breastfeeding hurdle, and I was right. Since that point, she been great with breastfeeding, which I'm really grateful for.

Another amazing thing about the Lucina, is that visitors can come and go as they please. After a few hours in our ‘new family bubble’, my parents, Steve’s Dad and his sister came to the hospital to meet the newest member of the family. Watching our family meet her was very special, and even more so that they got to do it all together, instead of having to allocate time to each person to visit. We were able to enjoy the new addition to our family together which was a wonderful experience.

Things weren't so great in the evening as Poppy had to spend a few hours in the neonatal unit, but she was fine, the doctors were just doing their job really well. However, that is not ‘birth’ related, and I am going to leave my story there, as I want to keep to the positive aspects of the experience. After a night in hospital, we were able to go home and our new life as a family of 3 really started. I can’t believe she’s been here for almost a whole year already. It really has flown by.

Through the whole labour,  I remember feeling independent yet supported beyond belief, which I guess is the aim of the Lucina Birth Centre. I didn't want a ‘hospital’ style birth, but wanted the security of being in a hospital, and I got exactly what I’d hoped for, and I'm so thankful I did. I couldn't have wished or planned for a better birth and never in my dreams could I have imagined I’d have a midwife as amazing as Siobhan.

I hope that my experience has shown that it is possible to have a positive birth experience, and truly enjoy it. Like I said, I had a great time, and actually enjoyed the whole thing, from start to finish, excruciating pain included. Because it was worth it. Every second was worth it for our perfect beautiful girl!

Xx