I won't lie, I was more than a little heart broken. A whole year she's needed me for and it was almost like a switch flipped and she realised she didn't need me in that way any more. She has been having most of her milk from a bottle since we went on our honeymoon... which is so crazy since we spent months and months and a lot of money trying out every bottle on the market (well, almost) but she wouldn't take anything at all, then we go away and it's like something clicked. Now she only has to see the bottle and she's flapping with excitement! So, I've been feeding her from the bottle while we have a story after bath time, then I always offer her a feed from me, and she usually latched straight away, although sometimes I think it was more for comfort than actual milk.
Last Tuesday, however, she finished her bottle and I offered her a feed from me, but she was happy to just fall asleep. I was heart broken, but proud of her all at the same time. We spent so long in the early days fighting with Poppy over sleep, and for her to finish her bottle and just fall asleep and let me put her in her cot was massive, but I was so upset that we were done with breastfeeding.
I'd always wanted to leave it up to her as to when we stopped. When she decided she was done, that would be it. I didn't want to force her to stop breast feeding before she was ready and I didn't want to force her to keep going just because I wasn't ready for it to stop. The choice to breastfeed has always been about her, so the choice to stop (we felt) should be hers too. That approach doesn't work for everyone, and I'm not judging anyone who has done it a different way, or anyone who's bottle fed their baby; I am simply saying what worked for us. You do what you have to to provide for your child.
I will really miss that special time Poppy and I had. It was like we had special cuddles that were scheduled in every day, and no matter what, they always happened.
In the early days, it was hard. Hard to spend so much time feeding her, hard when she wouldn't latch properly and I thought I was doing it all wrong, and hard to feel the weight of responsibility for providing all of her food. But it was everything. It was one of the most rewarding things I have ever done. I know that despite the struggles we experienced, I had it easy compared to the struggles some people go through. Instead of feeling burdened by it all, I tried to focus on the positive, and I found it so incredibly lovely to have her so close by all the time. Some of my favourite times were those special middle of the night moments, when all was still and quiet, Steve was asleep next to us and I would sit in bed feeding Poppy. Those perfect little moments when everything just clicks and it feels right. That would be my time to reflect and think how lucky we were and how grateful I was for my little family. That breastfeeding bond is something I will forever cherish the memories of.
We've been really lucky that I was able to breastfeed for so long, and I'm super proud that we made it past her first birthday and did a whole year. As she got older, and started to drop feeds, I started to realise that the end (of breastfeeding) would come at some point soon. For the last week or two at least, I have made an effort to take in every moment of her feeds, just in case it was her last one, and I'm so glad I did. For now at least the memory of her last feed is fresh, but I hope I can retain it for a long time.
I almost feel like she grew up while I wasn't looking, even if it was only by a teeny bit. She doesn't need me in that way any more, and it's the first real time she hasn't needed me. Which, as any Mum will probably agree, is really hard to comprehend. And although she still needs me in so many other ways and probably in ways I'm sure we're yet to discover, I am a little sad that we have passed this stage in her life.
My little baby girl is becoming a little toddler... And though I'm a little sad, I'm so excited to see what life has in store for us...
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