I don't understand why miscarriage is still a taboo subject...

This week I wanted to talk about something which for some reason, is still something people don't talk about very much.

Miscarriage.

Last week was 6 years since my miscarriage. 6 years is a fair amount of time, and in the years that have passed, at lot has happened, and I have grown and learned to understand why that pregnancy ended the way it did. In recent years I haven't been so upset by the anniversary, but have looked back on the memory as a stepping stone to the wonderful, amazing life I have now. This year, however, I looked at it from a whole new perspective, a parents perspective; and this made the anniversary harder than it's been in a long time. Never before on September 10th, had I known what it meant to be a parent, now I do, and my heart felt heavy. I truly longed to know what that baby would have been like, but I felt like I couldn't vocalise that. I didn't want to seem ungrateful for what I have now, because Poppy and Steve are my entire world, and I wouldn't have them if not for the way things turned out, but that was an incredibly hard thing to feel. I suppose it would have been even harder to explain.

All day I wanted to tell someone how I felt, just share my thoughts, maybe have a hug... but I didn't. Instead I found myself wondering why I didn't. Or couldn't. Maybe deep down I didn't want to, but I don't know. The day has passed now and I was fine with a hug from Steve at the end of the day.

It got me thinking though. Why do people find miscarriage to be such a taboo subject??  Miscarriage is, sadly, an all too common event. About one in every four pregnancies ends this way and another one in 100 pregnancies is ectopic, so I don't understand why there's such a stigma around it; I never have understood that. People often say they don't know what to say to someone who has suffered a miscarriage; that it makes them feel awkward or uneasy. Maybe if it was a more open topic, people wouldn't have the worry about saying the right thing. Maybe people wouldn't feel awkward and would see how therapeutic it is for some people to talk about it and share their feelings and experience. Maybe all someone needs is a hug, but how do you explain why you need a hug when your explanation makes someone back away.

If you don't know what to say to someone, just listen. Try not to judge or be cliché with statements like "there's always next time" or "it'll get better in time". They don't always help. Yes it will get better, time is a healer, and I personally learned that everything happens for a reason, but that isn't the case for everyone. If you've experienced loss of any kind, you probably know that hearing "give it time", doesn't help at all. 

If you find yourself on the end of someone's miscarriage story, just try to listen (if you can), be there for them. Have a hug ready, or a cuppa, or some chocolate, or some vodka! But what will really help, is listening. And maybe the more people listen, the less people will be afraid to talk about it.

My image from the calendar... I was Miss November

In the early months (and years) following my miscarriage I took a lot of comfort from The Miscarriage Association (http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/), but in recent years, I haven't needed that level of support any longer, and have backed away from the groups. They did their job, they supported me and I made some life long friends (all of whom have gone on to have their rainbow babies now, yey). To be fair, I am incredibly lucky that my family and friends have always, always been supportive and there for me. I am one of the lucky ones.

A few years ago I got involved with a campaign with the MA where we shot a calendar for Miscarriage Awareness; it got people talking AND raised money towards important research. I will always endeavour to be part of the Break the Silence movement, because I will always have my star in the sky spurring me on. 

Maybe my voice will make a difference, maybe it won't, but I will always keep trying. What if we all tried. Imagine the difference we could make together...

Let's Do This... Come at me, Slimming World...

This is a short and sweet blog this week. It isn't profound or deep, but it's my life and what's happening, and I want to be honest and true with my blogs!

Last week I rejoined Slimming World. I looked in the mirror and wasn't a fan of the roll poking out above my jeans and I walked around all week feeling horribly self conscious and 'wobbly', and I've been feeling that way for a while, so I've decided to do something about it... Or at least try to. 

I did Slimming World once before, and it worked really well for me; I lost a stone and a half last time! Since then I've had two years off shows and dancing, produced a small person, and got married!! It's safe to say (most of) the weight has crept back on. I'm technically thinner than I was pre-Poppy, but I'm heavier than I'd like to be. The scales and I are not friends right now!

I think I've been relatively good since having Poppy, and although I've had a few more takeaways than I used to, I've generally been OK with food and exercise. That said, I have let it slip a bit. I don't want to use the phrase 'let myself go' because I hate that. It's just life isn't it. I've had a baby, and a very switched on one at that! I've not had the time to work out or cook super healthy food like I used to, but now that she's sleeping better, I do have some of that time back and I am determined to succeed and see a slightly thinner Amii in the mirror looking back at me soon. 

I have set myself a target, but I'll probably move it when I get near to it... I just wanted to set a reachable goal instead of setting something unattainable and being upset with myself when I didn't reach it. The reason for that is because this new Slimming World journey is for me, and me alone. I'm not dieting because someone, or society told me to, I'm doing it because I want to get healthier, thinner, fitter, and make better food choices. 

I'll probably sneak my weigh in updates into my posts and will probably share some of my favourite recipes :) (I've already shared my soup one... http://amiileanne.blogspot.co.uk/2015/08/honeymoon-is-over-time-to-diet-super.html)

I'm full of apprehension... I really want to succeed at this, but I am also full of motivation and dedication, which I really think is the key! Who knows where I'll be in a few weeks; I could be jumping for joy because I've lost half a stone, or I could be crying in the corner because I haven't lost anything. I really hope it's not the latter. Whatever the outcome, I'm back on plan and I'm in this 100%... 

Come at me Slimming World. Let's go...

Parenting is hard... Sometimes a break is just what you need...

¡Hola! So the reason I've been utterly rubbish at blogging lately is because we had our honeymoon :) :) We were lucky enough that the overwhelming generosity of our family and friends enabled us to have a week in the completely beautiful Riu Palace Pacifico Hotel in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. It was an incredible week, and was the perfect way to celebrate and reflect on our wedding (even though it was a little while afterwards). We did so much while we were there and really made the most of some 'us' time together, and I feel like we both feel better for it. In fact I feel like we all feel a bit better for having some time away... Poppy included. I've had this discussion a few times since being home, and I've been met by different reactions, but to be honest (and to reiterate what I've said before) what is right for us (parenting wise) may not be right for someone else, so please, let's not be judgemental.

Before we went away, I really wanted to blog about being away from Poppy for a week (well, 9 nights in total... not that I was counting or anything), but I didn't truly know how I would feel, and speculation doesn't make for great writing, so I held off until now, so I can talk from experience.

It took a lot of convincing for me to agree to leave Poppy at home while we went to Mexico. A week seemed like such a long time and we would be so far away! The Mummy guilt was almost too much, but eventually, I agreed, and I'm so glad I did, which is apparently, judging by reactions when I've said this, a controversial thing to say?! I'm not sure why though. I love my baby, but I love my husband too, without him there would be no her, so I think it's OK to enjoy time without her. It don't think it makes me a bad Mum, I actually think it made me a better Mum, and a better wife.

I thought I would be a total wreck when it came to dropping Poppy off on the Friday lunchtime before we left, but actually, I was surprisingly OK. I had to tell Steve not to talk to me for a minute or two when we left in case I cried, but by the time we hit the A46 out of Coventry, I was OK. She was OK. She had her own little cot and tonnes of toys at Mum and Dads, and she absolutely adores them, so I knew she would be fine. When I've told people that I wasn't a complete wreck, without tears streaming from my eyes as I left her, some have been shocked that I wasn't more emotional... but I don't get why. I was still going to leave her... what would dramatics have done except make everything harder for all of us??

On the Saturday morning we got up nice and early and off we went to Gatwick. Again, I was surprisingly OK, but we had spoken to Mum in the morning and then in the airport lounge we took advantage of the free wifi and face timed our beautiful girl. She was smiling and happy so I was immediately put at ease, not that I had expected her to be any other way to be honest. The flight was fine, and so was the first night in Mexico however, I was starting to feel a little guilty that I didn't feel like my heart was breaking being away from her (or something equally as dramatic), but I was ok.

Every morning when we woke up, we face timed (how amazing is technology), and each time, Poppy would beam from ear to ear when she saw us. It was the highlight of my mornings, and Steve will back me up when I say that I practically leapt out of bed each day to get my phone and make the call. When I saw how happy she was, I knew she was fine, and that made it easy for me to relax and enjoy every second of the honeymoon (have I mentioned it was amazing?!) That's not to say I didn't talk about her at every chance I got, to anyone who asked (and to a fair few who didn't). I'm sure I bored our new friends to tears, but they were so lovely and listened to me bragging about my perfect little ray of sunshine, and how good she was being for her Nanny and Grandad.

I was able to start my days knowing that all was OK back home, and that meant I was able to be completely 'there' with Steve, without having my mind racing back to Coventry all the time to wonder how Poppy was, which was kind of the whole point. I know just how lucky I am to have people that love Poppy so much and will take care of her for us without a moments hesitation, and I don't take that for granted at all.

Many parents will tell you they 'need a break', and I mean a real break. A few days child free, rather than just a couple of hours at home without them, when actually you end up busier because you feel like you need to make the most of that time. So 3 loads of washing, and a sparkling house later you've achieved loads, but actually sometimes you feel no better than when your little munchkin(s) left you. So few of my Mummy friends feel like they can take a proper break because the guilt sets in. I had told myself there would be almost no guilt on our honeymoon (easier said than done), and I was to make the most of this time with my new husband. Actually, that was exactly what I needed to do. I needed a break from a very beautiful, switched on, non-sleeping little lady, which in the run up to the honeymoon I felt very guilty about.

I was a little ashamed to admit it during the holiday, but having a break from motherhood was doing me the world of good. Of course I missed her with every fibre of my being, but I realised it was doing us all the world of good, when a few days into the holiday I had had a full nights sleep and so had Poppy!! She had slept through the night for the first time, in her cot, with no fuss... and she continued to do so for the rest of the break! What a star! Before we had gone away, I would spend all evening running up and down the stairs to settle her, and she slept in a cot with one side down, against our bed, which often meant that she managed to crawl in with us. 

It was at this point of the holiday that I let go of the guilt that had crept in. Time away and in a slightly different routine, turned out to be just what she needed too. What a big (almost) year it's been for her, she just needed a break. I wasn't being a bad Mum by leaving her. Phew. Aaaaaand relax!! For Steve and I, having some 'us' time proved invaluable. We've not had that in almost a year (which I'm not complaining about, I wouldn't have it any other way), but because of that, I think we savoured every single moment together, which made our honeymoon soooooo special. We had time to have real conversations, that didn't revolve around baby food, nap times or delightful nappy contents. We got dressed up for dinner and drinks every night (not a bit of baby sick in sight) and we had time to make some new friends, who actually live near us so we hope to stay in touch. We had time to mess about in the pool, drink cocktails, read books and walk along the beach. We had time to be a young(ish) couple again and it was perfect. 

When I got home, I was a little overwhelmed by the emotion of missing my girl, and when I saw her I held her so tightly. I think time away made me appreciate her a little bit more. It seems to be taboo to admit that you need a break from being a parent, or sometimes just being an adult in general, but it shouldn't be. If you need a break, take one. It might be 5 minutes, 5 hours or 5 days, but it may just be long enough to give you what you need, so you shouldn't be afraid to take it! Forget other people's opinions, I did. A few people told me that leaving Poppy was a mistake and they were so wrong, it was so far from a mistake that that's laughable. She was fine for the whole week away, in fact it was like a little holiday of her own, which she clearly loved. The pictures my parents took throughout the week say it all!

I think what I am trying to say is that a bit of time away from Poppy and my 'Mummy life' was great. That's not to say I don't love my life because I do, and anyone who knows me will second that. I think when you become a Mum, it's easy to forget that you had a life pre-baby, and maybe a little trip back to that life every now and again might be really beneficial, and it might be just the break we all need!

Xx

Honeymoon is over... Time to diet!! Super Free Superspeed Soup...

We're home from Mexicooooooo!! We had the most amazing time on our honeymoon, and I have a blog coming about it, but yesterday a good friend asked me to share the recipe I use for my Slimming World Super Free Superspeed Soup, so I thought I would share the recipe here in case anyone else is interested (I know it's a bit different from my usual blog content). I used to cook this all the time when I followed Slimming World, and it really worked for me when I needed a boost with my weight loss. 

I really want to go back to Slimming World, but at the moment I just don't have the time, so I am going to follow the plan (as much as I remember) and hopefully I will be able to shift the few pounds I put on in Mexico! (Thanks, all inclusive cocktail menu!!) 

This is a suuuuuuuuper easy recipe and it's absolutely delicious!

Cooking away...

Ready to Eat... Yum!

My lovely colourful ingredients for the Super Free Speed Soup...

If I can do it... Anyone can do it!!

With the quantites below I managed to make about 8 - 9 portions, and it's freezable, which is great! When I first made this, I only had small sauce pans and woks (which are the pics above!) now I have a massive one I use for soup, so bit of advice, use a big pan!

Super Free Speed Soup

This soup is syn free on Slimming World Extra Easy Plan (or it used to be, either way, it's pretty healthy!) It's also superspeed, which means it should help to give you a boost.

How many does it serve? Makes 8 - 9 portions (or more if you are a small eater and less if you're a big eater.)

How long does it take? 30 - 45 minutes cooking time, plus prep

Is it syn free? It definitely is!

What do I need?
- 1 can mixed bean salad
- 1 can green lentils
- 2 cans chopped tomatoes
- 1 can baked beans
- 1 handful of split lentils
- 2 large leeks
- 1 large onion or 2 small - medium onions
- 4 medium carrots
- 2 parsnips
- 1 green 1 red and 1 yellow pepper
- 2 vegetable stock cubes
- salt and pepper
- mixed herbs

What do I do?
Chop and put all vegetables in a pan with the rest of the ingredients, cover and bring to boil then simmer until soft. When soft, either blend for a smooth thick soup or you can leave it chunky if that's how you'd prefer it!

Serve & enjoy the syn free goodness :)

Xx

Not every labour story is a horror story...

I've been thinking about sharing my labour story for a few months now, and I've decided I will. I have come across so many labour stories on blogs and vlogs, which I love reading and listening to; but the ones I've seen all seem to be negative, and it’s not always like that. I had a really positive experience of labour, so I wanted to put it out there. Maybe it will give people hope that not every labour story is a horror story! 

When I was pregnant, almost everyone who decided I needed to know about their labour (in detail, whether I wanted to or not) seemed to have a horror story to tell. So naturally, I was terrified. All I’d heard about was how awful labour was and about forceps, ventouse, tears and cesareans. One Born Every Minute wasn't helpful either, as their stories, albeit beautiful stories of birth, all seem to have problematic elements. The ‘easy’ labours (well, no birth is ever easy; it’s called labour for a reason) seem to feature very rarely.

My experience was the opposite of what I’d heard about, so I wanted to share it. I know I'm lucky that I had a good experience, and I am grateful for that. For the women that have had rough times, I really respect you! It's not easy anyway, let alone when things don't go smoothly.

I hope that I am able to give someone else hope that not all labours are bad!

(It’s going to be a long one, so I plan to do a video of my story too, but not for a couple of weeks, because I'm off on my honeymoooooooon!)

So here’s my story…

I went into labour on my due date, Saturday 20^th September 2014. Textbook. My contractions started at about 8:30am, but I ignored them for a few hours as I didn't know if it was labour or Braxton Hicks and I didn't want to make a fuss. It seemed too perfect, to be one of the 5% of women to go in to labour on their due date, but I did and it was happening! Excited!! About 1pm, I thought I’d better tell Steve, and he was so cute… he was excited and nervous, and looked after me really well! I spoke to the hospital a few hours later, and they were great, they said to go in to be checked over when I felt I needed to (which I eventually did at 2am!)

Steve and I spent the afternoon pottering about, then we had dinner and watched a film (The Shawshank Redemption was on TV,  great film!) I really struggled to be still, so I had to keep moving. I  couldn't lie down or sit still, I spent almost 24 hours either bouncing on a ball, walking around, or taking quick baths. But that was exactly what I had hoped for, an active labour. I hated the thought of being in a bed on my back, or having an epidural. Not that there is anything wrong with those choices or scenarios, it’s just not what I wanted.

That said, I didn't have a birth plan as such, we had a list of birth preferences. All of which were exactly that. There were things we would have preferred to do, but we completely understood if things needed to change to ensure the safe delivery of our baby. I didn't want a plan, because then I couldn't be upset if things had to stray from it. My piece of paper with the preferences on made the midwives chuckle, as I had written an apology for any shouting or swearing at them that may occur. As it happens, I was pretty calm the whole way through.

In the very early hours of Sunday, we went to the hospital, (thank you Mum and Dad for getting out of bed to take us) where I was checked over. They said I could stay or go home for a while, so back home we went, for more bouncing on balls and wandering around, until I cried at my Mum a bit later, and we decided it was time to go back to the hospital at about 9am, and I was admitted. 

This was it. We were in hospital, and when we left, we would be parents! From here on is what I count as my 'real' labour, the 24 hours before hand was very early labour, so I don't usually count it.

I was lucky enough to be able to go to the Lucina Birth Centre at University Hospital Coventry, and it was amazing! We were the only ones there that day, and we had a huge room, with a twinkly ceiling, a pull down bed, and most importantly for me, a birth pool (although the twinkly ceiling was pretty amazing!) Steve and I were actually having a lovely time, we had music playing (mostly musical theatre, sorry Steve), I was singing along to my playlist at the top of my lungs (which the midwives enjoyed, so I'm told), we were snap-chatting our friends, we were loving life… And that’s pretty much how the whole labour went. I actually loved my labour, and had a great time. I'm not sure you’re meant to say that, but it’s the truth! 

I want to mention my midwife. Her name was Siobhan Berry and she was incredible. Everyone we dealt with was brilliant, but Siobhan was just a star. She listened to me so much, and really looked after Steve and I. I really like to know what’s happening in situations, and she kept me really well informed, without the feeling of intrusion. We were mostly left to our own devices until about 2pm, which was lovely, but at the same time I felt so well cared for, which is a really difficult balance to successfully achieve. I will be forever grateful to Siobhan for the care she gave us, and for safely delivering our beautiful Poppy to us.

I spent the next few hours in the birth pool, which was great for me and I loved it. I would massively recommend trying it if you’re able to. It’s not for everyone, but for me it both relaxed me and helped my labour to progress. A few hours in, I tried (and hated) gas and air. It made me feel suuuuuuper dizzy and all out of control, which I really didn't like, but it provided a welcome distraction. After a while I realised I was pushing, which was strange as I couldn't remember starting to push, or being told to, but all of a sudden, two midwives and a student (who was also fantastic, and will make a great midwife when she finishes her training) were in the room with us, and nobody was telling me to stop. After an hour or so pushing, at 3:12pm on Sunday 21^st September 2014 our beautiful baby girl was born, all 8lbs 14oz of her (yes, it hurt, and no I didn't tear because I went with what felt natural and didn't force anything). What was super special was that I was the first person to ever touch her as she was born in the water, and I got to lift her up into my arms for our first cuddle. I cried, of course! Steve wasn't able to cut the cord, as she was born with the cord around her neck, which is fairly common, but she was fine. So they untangled her, and took her to check over. She was so calm. Beautiful and calm. I didn't know she was a girl at this point, so Steve had a little look, told me, and I cried again! She was passed back to me and we sat in the water enjoying our first few moments together. 

After a cuddle with our little flower, she was passed over to Steve, and my heart nearly exploded. I got to look at him clearly for the first time in hours, and my love for him sky rocketed. Before having Poppy, I didn't think it was possible to love him any more than I already did, but he was incredible during labour, and that support is something I will never forget. Nothing was too much for him, he was even holding the gas and air for me at one point. Then when the midwife put Poppy in his arms it was emotion overload, and the tears came again. My world, right there. Watching him hold her and look at her with so much love is a memory I will truly treasure forever. We had had a baby, and there she was, all snuggled up with her Daddy. It was just perfect.

Delivering the placenta wasn't much fun, because after a calm half an hour, the dreaded contractions were back and I was back to pushing. But it happened naturally, without the need for an injection and was over and done with before I knew it. Then I had Poppy back in my arms for a whole two hours while we waited to see if she would latch and feed on her own. Turns out she wouldn't so I had to hand express and feed her with a teeny tiny syringe. This is another moment where the midwives were amazing. I was shattered by this point, and they were great, helping and showing me how to hand express effectively. Poppy latched when she was about 3 and a half hours old, and by 4am the next morning, she had done it a few times and I was pretty confident we had jumped the first breastfeeding hurdle, and I was right. Since that point, she been great with breastfeeding, which I'm really grateful for.

Another amazing thing about the Lucina, is that visitors can come and go as they please. After a few hours in our ‘new family bubble’, my parents, Steve’s Dad and his sister came to the hospital to meet the newest member of the family. Watching our family meet her was very special, and even more so that they got to do it all together, instead of having to allocate time to each person to visit. We were able to enjoy the new addition to our family together which was a wonderful experience.

Things weren't so great in the evening as Poppy had to spend a few hours in the neonatal unit, but she was fine, the doctors were just doing their job really well. However, that is not ‘birth’ related, and I am going to leave my story there, as I want to keep to the positive aspects of the experience. After a night in hospital, we were able to go home and our new life as a family of 3 really started. I can’t believe she’s been here for almost a whole year already. It really has flown by.

Through the whole labour,  I remember feeling independent yet supported beyond belief, which I guess is the aim of the Lucina Birth Centre. I didn't want a ‘hospital’ style birth, but wanted the security of being in a hospital, and I got exactly what I’d hoped for, and I'm so thankful I did. I couldn't have wished or planned for a better birth and never in my dreams could I have imagined I’d have a midwife as amazing as Siobhan.

I hope that my experience has shown that it is possible to have a positive birth experience, and truly enjoy it. Like I said, I had a great time, and actually enjoyed the whole thing, from start to finish, excruciating pain included. Because it was worth it. Every second was worth it for our perfect beautiful girl!

Xx

My Wedding Day... The getting ready bit!

I finally got around to editing and uploading the time lapse video from the morning of the wedding, yey! I'd have loved to have filmed the whole morning, but there's no way I could have edited a 5 hour video, so a time lapse seemed like the right move! 

I'm pretty happy with the end result. I think it's a lovely way to re-live the perfect morning we had, before the perfect afternoon and evening! (I promise I'll edit the wedding video soon too!)

I know I usually post on a Monday, but I couldn't wait to share this one. Hope you enjoy!

xx

It's all about #365happydays...

Some people love it, some people hate it, but I think it's super important to try and keep positive and happy; and in a world that is increasingly negative and pessimistic, I think it’s important to find at least one positive moment in every single day. 

A few from my first #365happydays album :)

In April 2014, I decided I was going to do the #100happydays challenge. The idea being you take a photo of a happy moment for 100 days running. Simple. I did it, and I loved it! So when I got to 100, I kept going and turned it into #365happydays, and when those finished I turned it into #365morehappydays. I’m currently on day 116 of my second year doing it, and when I finish this one I will probably do another year. Here’s why…

I found that taking a moment out of every single day to find something positive, or something that makes you smile, really helped me to maintain a positive mental attitude (it’s all about the PMA). It was VERY helpful during the many sleepless nights when Poppy was very little!! I'm a pretty cheery person anyway, but these little projects make me even happier, as I am taking time out of every day to be grateful for everything I have to be happy about. 

That’s not to say there aren’t rubbish days, there are believe me, and some of them are just plain awful. But even in those dark moments I try to find something to smile about. Maybe it’s a text from a friend, or an inspirational quote, or a silly picture from Timehop that jogs a lovely memory. Maybe it's a glass (or bottle) of wine at the end of a hard day. There is always positivity hidden somewhere, sometimes you just have to look hard to find it.

I’ve been through rough times, and I never used to have this outlook on life (something several friends will back up, sorry guys!), but after a harsh talking to one evening a few years ago, I decided to change my outlook. Everything is a choice, and I choose to be happy, and I choose to share that happiness with the people in my life.

I have found that my happiness has spread too. Some of my friends enjoyed my ‘happy days’ so much that they have messaged me to say thank you for making them smile and a couple of friends have taken on the challenge too. Yey! One lovely friend started her happy days after seeing mine to help her recovery from being unwell, and I love seeing her daily pictures!

A good friend shared something lately on Facebook, and I love it so much. It said, “If you see someone without a smile, give them yours.”

Maybe my happy days pictures help spread a smile. And that thought makes me incredibly happy!

Xx

Some from my #365morehappydays album :)