Things I could learn from my Daughter...

My daughter may only be 1, but she has already taught me so much. SO much. I was thinking about this recently and started to make a list of the things I have learned from her and things I could learn from her, not from being her Mum (I already did a post on that http://amiileanne.blogspot.co.uk/2015/07/what-being-mummy-has-taught-me.html ), but things I could really learn from watching her and how she is. I know that sounds crazy… she’s the child and I’m the parent and I should be doing the teaching, but hear me out…

Here are a few things that I think I could really learn from my beautiful daughter.

1. She accepts people and loves without boundaries.

She doesn’t care about age, gender, race, background, religion, or any of those things. Watching children play and interact no matter the difference between them is a really special thing. It’s something I think a LOT of people could learn from.

2. She doesn’t judge.

The world hasn’t taught her to judge yet.

3. She’s not greedy for ‘things’.

Poppy doesn’t want the latest gadgets (apart from mine and her Dads phones… of course she wants those because she can’t have them). She doesn’t constantly want for new toys, or the most fashionable clothes. Really small children aren’t greedy for those things because they don’t truly know how to be, and although they know quite well how to throw a tantrum, the tantrum is usually short lived. They want our time.  Poppy wants me to play with her, and read to her, and take her to the park. She wants the same from her Daddy, and her Grandparents. She wants for the things that don’t cost a penny, and she is free to do that for as long as she wants. We all need to take a leaf from that book.

4. She goes with the flow.

Now, I know not all children are so great with change, and I know I am lucky to have a little lady that embraces change so well. I am almost 30, and I still suck with change sometimes. I have learned to panic, to stress, and to really over think everything that goes with change, and I, personally, need to learn from these lovely, adaptable little toddlers who see things simply for what they are. Change is ok. It will all be ok.

5. She’s always happy.

She can’t tell me this, but the constant smile on her face (anyone who knows her will know that’s true) shows me that she is happy. She smiles at everything and everyone around her. She’s not cynical or full of hatred; she doesn’t know how to be. She smiles because the world she sees around her is good. Imagine how much better our world would be if we all smiled because of the world around us, instead of taking to social media to rant about this, that and the other.

I know this a short and sweet post, but when I started thinking about it, it really struck a chord with me. Maybe it will resonate with you too, maybe it won’t, and that’s ok. Maybe you have learned from little ones and maybe you haven’t, and that’s ok.

Maybe, just maybe, we could all learn something from the way children see the world…

#sayingthanksBLAW15

You may or may not know that this week is Baby Loss Awareness Week... But if you don't know, hopefully you will soon.

There are millions of people in the world who have experienced the heart wrenching pain associated with losing a baby, and despite that, it's still quite a hushed topic. That's why I will always support any 'break the silence' cause. I know this is my second blog about this topic in a short space of time, but I hope you guys don't mind, and understand that it's just something I'm passionate about.

This week, The Miscarriage Association are asking people who've experienced a loss to say thank you to the people who supported them. I immediately wanted to be involved, so I grabbed my notepad and started thinking. I thought I would do a video talking about my experience and end it with my #sayingthanks, or maybe I'd just take a photo holding up a sign, both of which I might still do, but for now I wanted to write. I knew I wouldn't struggle to find something or someone to be thankful for, but what I maybe wasn't ready for, was the amount of things I found I was thankful for.

So here goes...

To the people who supported me in one of the worst times in my life, thank you for:

Being there.

Letting me cry. And scream. A lot.

Being honest and telling me you didn't understand how I felt, but you knew it must have been awful.

Trying to understand.

Telling me it wasn't my fault.

Making me feel less like a statistic and more like a person.

Sharing your story with me. I know that can't have been easy for you.

Listening.

Sitting in silence with me.

Bringing me hideously fattening comfort food.

Making me tea. Tea makes everything seem better.

Giving me cuddles.

Driving hundreds of miles just to give me cuddles.

Allowing me to grieve.
Giving me time.

Giving me hope.

Giving me tough love.

Being gentle with me when I needed you to be.

Letting me hide away when I wanted to.

Helping me face the world when I was ready to.

Bringing me vodka, or wine, or both. Then drinking it with me, or not drinking it if I didn't want to. 

Helping me come to terms with what had happened.

Helping me to understand.

Helping me to help others in similar situations.

Supporting me in every way you possibly could.

Remembering the anniversary of my miscarriage and acknowledging it as something that I needed to mark, even as the years go on.

Giving me the confidence to open up and share my story.

Understanding that having my beautiful rainbow baby, however grateful I am for her and however much I love her, it doesn't lessen the pain of losing a baby. And knowing that that is one of the hardest and most conflicting feelings to have.

Being the most amazingly supportive family anyone on this planet could wish for. 

Being the perfect definition of the word 'friend'.
Telling me it was going to be ok.

And to the (very few) people who didn't support me at all: 

Thank you for making me a MUCH stronger person. Your hurtfulness taught me to never treat people the way you treated me.

#sayingthanksBLAW15

Xx

My baby turned ONE...

So the blog this week is late (sorry), because we have been very busy celebrating a special little lady’s first birthday, and what a celebration we've had!

We had a lovely party for her on Sunday with most of our family and friends; the garden was just full of happiness and laughter which was perfect, then yesterday on her actual birthday, we had a family day. Steve and I took Poppy over to Birmingham to the Sea Life Centre, and she loved it. Well, apart from the jelly fish. She wasn't a fan of that section! The memory of her face when she was looking at all the fish is something I will treasure forever, and I'm sure Steve will too. The giant turtles were a big hit with her! Spending the day together was a lovely treat for Steve and me too. So often, work or life gets in the way and we can be far too quick to say “oh, we’ll do it another time”… so having the day with the 3 of us, with no interruptions, was incredible.

There were so many points throughout yesterday that I got a bit emotional. How was my baby one year old already? Where did that time go? Seriously.  Everybody tells you how fast the time will go once you have a baby, and it's so true. I kept thinking back to that time one year ago, when she was on her way into the world, and thinking, what an amazing year it’s been. I had no idea what this journey would entail, but if the future is going to be anything like this past year has been, it’s going to be amazing! That’s not to say there haven’t been challenges or rocky points… oh there have been plenty of those, but they've all helped make this year what it’s been, and for that I'm grateful. So I am looking back on absolutely everything with a smile… even the colic, the poonamis (even the really awkward ones at friends houses!), and the (many) nights of less than an hours sleep in total.

I feel quite emotional about the fact that we've said goodbye to another stage in Poppy’s life, but yet happy to have reached another new phase. It’s a very conflicting feeling. She’s not a ‘baby baby’ any longer, which makes me a little sad (although she will always be my baby), but we have reached a new exciting phase where she’s learning more, is discovering new things every day and has a beautiful personality that is developing every day. That makes me unbelievably happy. It’s a bit comparable to when you put a load of baby clothes away to make room for the next age, or put some toys in a box in the loft… only much bigger than that. It’s such an emotionally confusing time, which I'm sure a lot of Mums will say, but it’s quite difficult to explain properly, so I'm sorry if this post makes little to no sense at all! Poor Steve was met with tears from me yesterday when I was overcome with emotion watching Poppy reacting to all the fish. They were happy and sad tears all at once, and I didn't know what to do with them, so I'm fairly certain he didn't… poor guy!

After lunch yesterday we went and did a 'big' thing... we bought Poppy's first pair of shoes! No tears (from either of us) thankfully. She loves them and wouldn't let me take them off yesterday afternoon until bath time, and she seemed to walk a little more confidently in them too! She's definitely a girly girl right now... we only had to mention going shopping for shoes, and she was squealing with excitement in the car!

When we got home, we started opening the mountain of presents she has; we are still working on it, and to be honest, I think it will probably take us all week to get through. Our family and friends are very generous; Poppy is a lucky girl to be loved so very much. This is the first time Poppy has had presents that she has been interested in (and been able to properly) open herself. Her little face was a picture when she was looking at her new toys, and when she opened a few presents she let out such cute noises of excitement! It made me smile so much I almost had face ache. It also brought on a new wave of emotion over how loved she is, and by so many people. We're a very, very lucky family indeed.

Steve and I gave ourselves a cheeky pat on the back yesterday. We had made it through our first year of parenthood with no major issues, and we had also managed to plan a wedding in that time…  yey us! I've said it before, but having Poppy made me love him more than I knew I could. And my love for him has only grown in the past year, and I'm sure it will continue to grow!

All in all, her first birthday couldn't have gone any better, which is a pretty fair reflection of how I feel about how her first year in the world has been. I couldn't be prouder of her, or love her more if I tried to. But then I guess that's what being a mum is all about...

I don't understand why miscarriage is still a taboo subject...

This week I wanted to talk about something which for some reason, is still something people don't talk about very much.

Miscarriage.

Last week was 6 years since my miscarriage. 6 years is a fair amount of time, and in the years that have passed, at lot has happened, and I have grown and learned to understand why that pregnancy ended the way it did. In recent years I haven't been so upset by the anniversary, but have looked back on the memory as a stepping stone to the wonderful, amazing life I have now. This year, however, I looked at it from a whole new perspective, a parents perspective; and this made the anniversary harder than it's been in a long time. Never before on September 10th, had I known what it meant to be a parent, now I do, and my heart felt heavy. I truly longed to know what that baby would have been like, but I felt like I couldn't vocalise that. I didn't want to seem ungrateful for what I have now, because Poppy and Steve are my entire world, and I wouldn't have them if not for the way things turned out, but that was an incredibly hard thing to feel. I suppose it would have been even harder to explain.

All day I wanted to tell someone how I felt, just share my thoughts, maybe have a hug... but I didn't. Instead I found myself wondering why I didn't. Or couldn't. Maybe deep down I didn't want to, but I don't know. The day has passed now and I was fine with a hug from Steve at the end of the day.

It got me thinking though. Why do people find miscarriage to be such a taboo subject??  Miscarriage is, sadly, an all too common event. About one in every four pregnancies ends this way and another one in 100 pregnancies is ectopic, so I don't understand why there's such a stigma around it; I never have understood that. People often say they don't know what to say to someone who has suffered a miscarriage; that it makes them feel awkward or uneasy. Maybe if it was a more open topic, people wouldn't have the worry about saying the right thing. Maybe people wouldn't feel awkward and would see how therapeutic it is for some people to talk about it and share their feelings and experience. Maybe all someone needs is a hug, but how do you explain why you need a hug when your explanation makes someone back away.

If you don't know what to say to someone, just listen. Try not to judge or be cliché with statements like "there's always next time" or "it'll get better in time". They don't always help. Yes it will get better, time is a healer, and I personally learned that everything happens for a reason, but that isn't the case for everyone. If you've experienced loss of any kind, you probably know that hearing "give it time", doesn't help at all. 

If you find yourself on the end of someone's miscarriage story, just try to listen (if you can), be there for them. Have a hug ready, or a cuppa, or some chocolate, or some vodka! But what will really help, is listening. And maybe the more people listen, the less people will be afraid to talk about it.

My image from the calendar... I was Miss November

In the early months (and years) following my miscarriage I took a lot of comfort from The Miscarriage Association (http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/), but in recent years, I haven't needed that level of support any longer, and have backed away from the groups. They did their job, they supported me and I made some life long friends (all of whom have gone on to have their rainbow babies now, yey). To be fair, I am incredibly lucky that my family and friends have always, always been supportive and there for me. I am one of the lucky ones.

A few years ago I got involved with a campaign with the MA where we shot a calendar for Miscarriage Awareness; it got people talking AND raised money towards important research. I will always endeavour to be part of the Break the Silence movement, because I will always have my star in the sky spurring me on. 

Maybe my voice will make a difference, maybe it won't, but I will always keep trying. What if we all tried. Imagine the difference we could make together...

Let's Do This... Come at me, Slimming World...

This is a short and sweet blog this week. It isn't profound or deep, but it's my life and what's happening, and I want to be honest and true with my blogs!

Last week I rejoined Slimming World. I looked in the mirror and wasn't a fan of the roll poking out above my jeans and I walked around all week feeling horribly self conscious and 'wobbly', and I've been feeling that way for a while, so I've decided to do something about it... Or at least try to. 

I did Slimming World once before, and it worked really well for me; I lost a stone and a half last time! Since then I've had two years off shows and dancing, produced a small person, and got married!! It's safe to say (most of) the weight has crept back on. I'm technically thinner than I was pre-Poppy, but I'm heavier than I'd like to be. The scales and I are not friends right now!

I think I've been relatively good since having Poppy, and although I've had a few more takeaways than I used to, I've generally been OK with food and exercise. That said, I have let it slip a bit. I don't want to use the phrase 'let myself go' because I hate that. It's just life isn't it. I've had a baby, and a very switched on one at that! I've not had the time to work out or cook super healthy food like I used to, but now that she's sleeping better, I do have some of that time back and I am determined to succeed and see a slightly thinner Amii in the mirror looking back at me soon. 

I have set myself a target, but I'll probably move it when I get near to it... I just wanted to set a reachable goal instead of setting something unattainable and being upset with myself when I didn't reach it. The reason for that is because this new Slimming World journey is for me, and me alone. I'm not dieting because someone, or society told me to, I'm doing it because I want to get healthier, thinner, fitter, and make better food choices. 

I'll probably sneak my weigh in updates into my posts and will probably share some of my favourite recipes :) (I've already shared my soup one... http://amiileanne.blogspot.co.uk/2015/08/honeymoon-is-over-time-to-diet-super.html)

I'm full of apprehension... I really want to succeed at this, but I am also full of motivation and dedication, which I really think is the key! Who knows where I'll be in a few weeks; I could be jumping for joy because I've lost half a stone, or I could be crying in the corner because I haven't lost anything. I really hope it's not the latter. Whatever the outcome, I'm back on plan and I'm in this 100%... 

Come at me Slimming World. Let's go...

Parenting is hard... Sometimes a break is just what you need...

¡Hola! So the reason I've been utterly rubbish at blogging lately is because we had our honeymoon :) :) We were lucky enough that the overwhelming generosity of our family and friends enabled us to have a week in the completely beautiful Riu Palace Pacifico Hotel in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. It was an incredible week, and was the perfect way to celebrate and reflect on our wedding (even though it was a little while afterwards). We did so much while we were there and really made the most of some 'us' time together, and I feel like we both feel better for it. In fact I feel like we all feel a bit better for having some time away... Poppy included. I've had this discussion a few times since being home, and I've been met by different reactions, but to be honest (and to reiterate what I've said before) what is right for us (parenting wise) may not be right for someone else, so please, let's not be judgemental.

Before we went away, I really wanted to blog about being away from Poppy for a week (well, 9 nights in total... not that I was counting or anything), but I didn't truly know how I would feel, and speculation doesn't make for great writing, so I held off until now, so I can talk from experience.

It took a lot of convincing for me to agree to leave Poppy at home while we went to Mexico. A week seemed like such a long time and we would be so far away! The Mummy guilt was almost too much, but eventually, I agreed, and I'm so glad I did, which is apparently, judging by reactions when I've said this, a controversial thing to say?! I'm not sure why though. I love my baby, but I love my husband too, without him there would be no her, so I think it's OK to enjoy time without her. It don't think it makes me a bad Mum, I actually think it made me a better Mum, and a better wife.

I thought I would be a total wreck when it came to dropping Poppy off on the Friday lunchtime before we left, but actually, I was surprisingly OK. I had to tell Steve not to talk to me for a minute or two when we left in case I cried, but by the time we hit the A46 out of Coventry, I was OK. She was OK. She had her own little cot and tonnes of toys at Mum and Dads, and she absolutely adores them, so I knew she would be fine. When I've told people that I wasn't a complete wreck, without tears streaming from my eyes as I left her, some have been shocked that I wasn't more emotional... but I don't get why. I was still going to leave her... what would dramatics have done except make everything harder for all of us??

On the Saturday morning we got up nice and early and off we went to Gatwick. Again, I was surprisingly OK, but we had spoken to Mum in the morning and then in the airport lounge we took advantage of the free wifi and face timed our beautiful girl. She was smiling and happy so I was immediately put at ease, not that I had expected her to be any other way to be honest. The flight was fine, and so was the first night in Mexico however, I was starting to feel a little guilty that I didn't feel like my heart was breaking being away from her (or something equally as dramatic), but I was ok.

Every morning when we woke up, we face timed (how amazing is technology), and each time, Poppy would beam from ear to ear when she saw us. It was the highlight of my mornings, and Steve will back me up when I say that I practically leapt out of bed each day to get my phone and make the call. When I saw how happy she was, I knew she was fine, and that made it easy for me to relax and enjoy every second of the honeymoon (have I mentioned it was amazing?!) That's not to say I didn't talk about her at every chance I got, to anyone who asked (and to a fair few who didn't). I'm sure I bored our new friends to tears, but they were so lovely and listened to me bragging about my perfect little ray of sunshine, and how good she was being for her Nanny and Grandad.

I was able to start my days knowing that all was OK back home, and that meant I was able to be completely 'there' with Steve, without having my mind racing back to Coventry all the time to wonder how Poppy was, which was kind of the whole point. I know just how lucky I am to have people that love Poppy so much and will take care of her for us without a moments hesitation, and I don't take that for granted at all.

Many parents will tell you they 'need a break', and I mean a real break. A few days child free, rather than just a couple of hours at home without them, when actually you end up busier because you feel like you need to make the most of that time. So 3 loads of washing, and a sparkling house later you've achieved loads, but actually sometimes you feel no better than when your little munchkin(s) left you. So few of my Mummy friends feel like they can take a proper break because the guilt sets in. I had told myself there would be almost no guilt on our honeymoon (easier said than done), and I was to make the most of this time with my new husband. Actually, that was exactly what I needed to do. I needed a break from a very beautiful, switched on, non-sleeping little lady, which in the run up to the honeymoon I felt very guilty about.

I was a little ashamed to admit it during the holiday, but having a break from motherhood was doing me the world of good. Of course I missed her with every fibre of my being, but I realised it was doing us all the world of good, when a few days into the holiday I had had a full nights sleep and so had Poppy!! She had slept through the night for the first time, in her cot, with no fuss... and she continued to do so for the rest of the break! What a star! Before we had gone away, I would spend all evening running up and down the stairs to settle her, and she slept in a cot with one side down, against our bed, which often meant that she managed to crawl in with us. 

It was at this point of the holiday that I let go of the guilt that had crept in. Time away and in a slightly different routine, turned out to be just what she needed too. What a big (almost) year it's been for her, she just needed a break. I wasn't being a bad Mum by leaving her. Phew. Aaaaaand relax!! For Steve and I, having some 'us' time proved invaluable. We've not had that in almost a year (which I'm not complaining about, I wouldn't have it any other way), but because of that, I think we savoured every single moment together, which made our honeymoon soooooo special. We had time to have real conversations, that didn't revolve around baby food, nap times or delightful nappy contents. We got dressed up for dinner and drinks every night (not a bit of baby sick in sight) and we had time to make some new friends, who actually live near us so we hope to stay in touch. We had time to mess about in the pool, drink cocktails, read books and walk along the beach. We had time to be a young(ish) couple again and it was perfect. 

When I got home, I was a little overwhelmed by the emotion of missing my girl, and when I saw her I held her so tightly. I think time away made me appreciate her a little bit more. It seems to be taboo to admit that you need a break from being a parent, or sometimes just being an adult in general, but it shouldn't be. If you need a break, take one. It might be 5 minutes, 5 hours or 5 days, but it may just be long enough to give you what you need, so you shouldn't be afraid to take it! Forget other people's opinions, I did. A few people told me that leaving Poppy was a mistake and they were so wrong, it was so far from a mistake that that's laughable. She was fine for the whole week away, in fact it was like a little holiday of her own, which she clearly loved. The pictures my parents took throughout the week say it all!

I think what I am trying to say is that a bit of time away from Poppy and my 'Mummy life' was great. That's not to say I don't love my life because I do, and anyone who knows me will second that. I think when you become a Mum, it's easy to forget that you had a life pre-baby, and maybe a little trip back to that life every now and again might be really beneficial, and it might be just the break we all need!

Xx

Honeymoon is over... Time to diet!! Super Free Superspeed Soup...

We're home from Mexicooooooo!! We had the most amazing time on our honeymoon, and I have a blog coming about it, but yesterday a good friend asked me to share the recipe I use for my Slimming World Super Free Superspeed Soup, so I thought I would share the recipe here in case anyone else is interested (I know it's a bit different from my usual blog content). I used to cook this all the time when I followed Slimming World, and it really worked for me when I needed a boost with my weight loss. 

I really want to go back to Slimming World, but at the moment I just don't have the time, so I am going to follow the plan (as much as I remember) and hopefully I will be able to shift the few pounds I put on in Mexico! (Thanks, all inclusive cocktail menu!!) 

This is a suuuuuuuuper easy recipe and it's absolutely delicious!

Cooking away...

Ready to Eat... Yum!

My lovely colourful ingredients for the Super Free Speed Soup...

If I can do it... Anyone can do it!!

With the quantites below I managed to make about 8 - 9 portions, and it's freezable, which is great! When I first made this, I only had small sauce pans and woks (which are the pics above!) now I have a massive one I use for soup, so bit of advice, use a big pan!

Super Free Speed Soup

This soup is syn free on Slimming World Extra Easy Plan (or it used to be, either way, it's pretty healthy!) It's also superspeed, which means it should help to give you a boost.

How many does it serve? Makes 8 - 9 portions (or more if you are a small eater and less if you're a big eater.)

How long does it take? 30 - 45 minutes cooking time, plus prep

Is it syn free? It definitely is!

What do I need?
- 1 can mixed bean salad
- 1 can green lentils
- 2 cans chopped tomatoes
- 1 can baked beans
- 1 handful of split lentils
- 2 large leeks
- 1 large onion or 2 small - medium onions
- 4 medium carrots
- 2 parsnips
- 1 green 1 red and 1 yellow pepper
- 2 vegetable stock cubes
- salt and pepper
- mixed herbs

What do I do?
Chop and put all vegetables in a pan with the rest of the ingredients, cover and bring to boil then simmer until soft. When soft, either blend for a smooth thick soup or you can leave it chunky if that's how you'd prefer it!

Serve & enjoy the syn free goodness :)

Xx